


Searching For A Purpose

by mochi_and_kookies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Blind Character, Burns, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Hurt Kageyama Tobio, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, KageHina - Freeform, Literally the beginning is all angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Soft Kageyama Tobio, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, author doesn't know how to write a summary, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:42:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25158700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mochi_and_kookies/pseuds/mochi_and_kookies
Summary: "Maybe... maybe this was never meant to be, Kageyama. Maybe I-""Do you really believe that?""Of course! Why wouldn't I? My whole life has gone to shit, and I just.. I just don't see a purpose anymore. Literally and figuratively.""Well... I guess I'll just find you one."-Or, the one where after a terrible accident, Hinata and Kageyama are left scarred, broken, and searching for a purpose.-Currently on hiatus
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 102
Kudos: 156





	1. Prologue

It's funny. In the wildest of moments, the most chaotic of times, the mind can slow down, and seemingly take a snapshot of everything going on. It doesn't matter if it's small, big, or unrelated. The mind searches for something to latch on to, a way of anchoring itself to the present. 

For Kageyama Tobio, it was Hinata's eyes, bright and fearful. Shining, as they reflected the light exploding around them. 

Of course, like everything Hinata Shouyou does, his eyes never balked in the fire that rained down. Never closed, never blinked, just stared down the fire as though he could intimidate it. Just as he did with every other opponent, Hinata appeared to try to stare down something that underestimated him, just to prove it wrong. To prove that he was invincible. 

That was the irony of it all, Kageyama thought. The pure irony that fire never underestimates anything. It did not care of height, power, gender, size. Did not give two shits about any hopes, dreams, or desires. It devoured everything. 

_Don't play with fire_ , Sugawara had warned him, as he raced off after Hinata.

How fucking ironic. 

* * *

Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, Hinata Shouyou would think back and find the metaphor behind the last physical thing he saw. Kageyama's arm, outstretched towards. One of the two appendages that had given him something so precious, so important to him. A way to fly, a way to soar. A chance for something small to become something big. 

Fire. The one opponent he couldn't stare down. Perhaps, he was a little bit fascinated by the ways the flames extended their wings and flew to the sky. How they grew with the wind, and devoured the leaves of a nearby tree. 

When the world exploded, Hinata's muddled mind only thought of how his mother used to call his brilliant orange hair a wildfire. Messy, uncontrollable and irresistible.

 _Be careful on the roads_ , Daichi had yelled after him, as he ran. 

When the world exploded, Hinata broke with it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, prologue is now complete! Sorry, I know it's short, and I promise the following chapters will be longer! Had to set some things up, and if certain things don't make sense... well they will in the future :)
> 
> In addition, I don't know if this concept has been done before, so if it has, all similarities are unintentional.
> 
> Also, my chapter titles are kinda stupid because I literally don't know how to make good ones, so please don't judge the chapter by it's title (haha get what I did there? okay, I'll stop)


	2. Coming Back

Glimmers of white light danced over his eyes, and while it felt as though all of his senses were stifled underwater, Kageyama could hear voices yelling. He tried to talk, but it seemed his mouth was glued shut. Tried to move and found that to be impossible. 

"Heart rate increased!” Someone shrieked, and the closeness of it made him shudder. Why were they screaming? Why couldn’t he feel any part of his body? Where was Hinata? What-

His disordered thoughts abruptly stopped, as something cool and smooth slid down over his face and mouth and all was quiet. 

* * *

When he woke for a second time, Kageyama found his vocal cords to be in perfect working condition. 

And he screamed. 

Because god, it hurt. 

He thrashed and screamed and screamed. Tears rolled down his face, and he was shrieking, begging. Other voices seemed to yell with him, but he couldn’t seem to put the words together because the pain _burned_. It seemed to saw through his arm and stab him, over and over. 

Eventually, something held him down so he couldn’t move anymore, and a quick prick in the neck sent him somewhere far away. 

* * *

When he came to for the third time, Kageyama was floating through oblivion. It was as though he was in a dream, conscious of it, and decided to stay asleep. Some part of him knew, could feel what was missing. Kageyama pushed that feeling aside, and while he knew he would wake eventually, he wished he could remain blissfully unaware. 

“Tobio?”

But it seems he can never get what he wishes for. 

“Tobio? C’mon honey, it’s time for you to wake up.” Deep in the corners of his mind, Kageyama registered his mother’s voice, tense and uncharacteristically frail. 

“Tobio!”

Kageyama jolted, and every part of him seemed to try and sit up. His eyes cracked open, slightly blurry and aching, and he squinted at the bright light filtering through the room. 

Once his eyes adjusted, Kageyama took in the scratchy sheets beneath him, and the subtle drip of some fluid bag next to him. Distantly, a faint beeping sound was slowly getting faster and faster. Something was wrapped around his arms, and it seemed to be pinning them to his body. He couldn’t feel any of that, and once he recognized that, he realized he couldn’t feel any of his upper body.

The ceiling that he was gazing at was white, as were the surrounding walls. The whole room was plain, and while Kageyama had no problem with simplicity, he wanted out. His mouth tasted of iron, and he felt as though he had been asleep for a long time. 

All of this circled through his head, followed by the ever present feeling that something was off. Something was missing, something was wrong. It felt strangely empty on his right side, as though a pressure he was used to was picked up and discarded.

“Tobio?” His mother’s voice called to him again, uncertain. He shifted his eyes to the left, and his chin followed, albeit barely. 

Kageyama’s mother was many things, but she did not cry easily. The only recollection Kageyama had of her ever dropping a single tear was when he was ten, and the family cat had passed. Even then, it was a quick drop and a subtle wipe of her face before she was ushering a sobbing Kageyama out of the animal hospital. 

And now… Kageyama wasn’t sure if the sight of tears rolling unstopped down her face unnerved him, or the sheer amount of pity that was in her eyes. 

He opened his mouth, trying to form the words to ask her what the hell happened, but all that came out was a hoarse whisper. Something must’ve aggravated his throat when he did that, because the next thing Kageyama knew, he was doubling over in coughing fit. 

His mother was instantly there, one hand holding his shoulder still, while the other rubbed soothing circles in his back. 

Once he was finished, she asked him if he could breathe, and when he nodded, she took her seat again. 

“What- what..” Kageyama stumbled through his words, trying to make sense of everything, his voice rough. His head pounded, and he thought it might implode from the rush of memories and emotions that coursed through him at a speed that nothing made sense at. 

“What happened?” His mother asked softly, and Kageyama noticed that she gripped the ends of her shirt, and seemed to stare at the fraying ends. 

He nodded and she took a deep breath, looked up at him with eyes that were swimming in tears. 

“There-” She swallowed. “There was an accident. It was really bad, and at first I didn’t, they didn’t- ” She choked up, and when Kageyama made to sit up farther, she shot him a look and he laid right back down. 

“They didn’t think you were going to make it. You had lost so much blood, were in such a deep state of shock when they finally arrived to you and-”

“Hinata.” His name fell right out of his mouth, and it was something so familiar in this strange room that Kageyama’s chest filled with warmth.

His mother stared at him for a moment, before slowly nodding. 

“Yes, Hinata. When they got to you, well, they couldn’t tell me for sure what happened, as they didn’t seem to know what happened, but we think the truck-”

“Where is he?” Kageyama cut her off, not even caring that it was the disrespectful thing to do. His heart was pounding relentlessly, he couldn’t stand if something happened, really bad happened. His last words to Hinata seemed to be chanting at him, and his throat tightened at the mere thought of Hinata-

No. That dumbass was too stubborn to die. Hinata would probably take Death head-on, and either talk Death to death or fight him in that pigheaded way of his. 

Kageyama’s mother was staring at him again, and when Kageyama opened his mouth to ask again, she hurriedly said; 

“He’s fine. But Kageyama, you’re hurt.” She finished in close to a whisper, her eyes filling up again. 

“I can’t feel anything,” He told her, hoping that maybe that would reassure her; he really hated seeing her this way. 

“I know, they’ve put so much morphine in your system it is a miracle I got you up. But Tobio, they had to-” 

He didn’t know what she was going to say, as at that moment, a tall figure walked through the door. 

“Ah, good to see you up,” The man warmly said to Kageyama, giving him a brief nod and a smile. He wore scrubs with the hospital logo on them, and other than being tall, Kageyama could see no other defining characteristics. However, from the way the other people followed him through the door, clipboards gripped in one hand and a pen poised in the other, he figured this man must be the doctor. 

The doctor had turned to his mother, and while they struck up a hushed conversation, the nurses rushed towards and began _touching_ him. 

It wasn’t that Kageyama despised all physical contact, but contact that he had no initiative in or from someone he didn’t know… that was a problem. 

He yanked away from their hands that had started pulling away the sheets covering his legs, hands that grabbed his shoulder and began fiddling with the IV’s. He ignored the strange pulling sensation across his chest and arms as he flinched away, when they reached for him again. 

“Elevated heart rate,” One of the nurses commented, and Kageyama couldn’t help but flush as they briefly backed away and seemed to take him in. 

“Ah, excuse me for a moment,” The doctor said to Kageyama’s mother, before turning to the nurses. “Alright, let’s back it down, remember he’s been out for about a week and half now.” 

_Excuse me_ , Kageyama thought, utterly bewildered. What about volleyball? That’s a week and a half of missed practice, he’d rather not sit the bench because of that. He could move his lower body perfectly, although stiff, and while his upper body was stuffed with bandages he couldn’t feel anything, besides that phantom pressure on his right side. 

The doctor must’ve read the confused expression on Kageyama’s face, as he gave him another smile. 

“You’ve gone through quite a lot. We were all a little impressed that you pulled through the way you did.” While the doctor’s words were kind, Kageyama didn’t miss how his eyes glanced at his mother’s and a silent question seemed to linger in them. 

It was like the two of them held a big secret, and were weighing it back and forth to determine how much Kageyama should know. 

“What happened?” Kageyama asked. The doctor broke his eye contact with Kageyama’s mother and gave yet another smile. One that seemed forced, and did not meet his eyes.

“Ah, already talking, I see. That’s impressive,” The doctor glanced at a nurse, who immediately began scribbling that down. “Well, as your mother told you, you’ve been severely hurt. The fire was a result of a gas explosion that came directly from the car’s tank. You were close enough to it that serious injuries were the result. We’re looking at the use of skin grafts for the burns, perhaps the hospital can start taking measurements for the prosthetic, and-”

“Wait,” Kageyama didn’t need to hear the escalated beeping of the monitor to know that his heart was once again racing. His mind seemed to race with it, as various pieces began to fall, in the very places Kageyama tried to deny them of.

It wasn’t true, he was just confused, he was probably still in shock-

“I don’t… Why would I need that? I just need to get back to volleyball, when can I go back.” His voice was rushed, and he would’ve heard the sheer panic in it if he was a mile away. The doctor looked at him, all smiles wiped away. To his left, his mother sniffed and looked down. 

The doctor gazed at him, before sighing and pulling up a chair to his right. 

“When you came in, you suffered from fourth degree burns from the elbow to the fingertips, while the rest of your right arm fared only third and second. The tendons, and muscle were all burned past any hope of saving, and nerve endings long gone. Normally, we would’ve tried to preserve it more, but you had already begun contracting an infection that could lead to the loss of even more blood.” 

Kageyama’s head swam, tears were pricking in his eyes, he hated feeling this way, he hated knowing what was coming. He could feel it, had felt it even in the deepest corners in his mind. 

“When it came to the decision if you were to keep your life or that part of your arm… we decided your life was far more precious. With your mother’s consent, we made the decision to amputate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighttt first chapter complete! Thank you for all of your support, it really helped me become even more motivated. Hope you all are doing well, and have a good day/night!


	3. The Blackout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning [Verbal Abuse and Implied Suicidal Thoughts]
> 
> Also, if you want something to listen to as you read this, I wrote the draft of this chapter to the song "sertraline" by zack teale.

Whether he realized it or not, Kageyama always had two very distinct reactions whenever something happened that pained him. 

Violent, angry reactions that scorched his throat as words came up in fiery explosions, and ached in his fists as he lashed out. 

And his black outs. Periods of time where Kageyama shut down, and shut out _everything_. He would flee into the safe spot of his mind and construct walls so high that that he would never have to worry about feeling anything. For wasn't it better? Wasn't more ideal to be empty and careless than to burn alive in the overwhelming explosions of emotion? 

His first black out happened when he was eleven years old, barely into his sixth year. His father had been screaming at him, screaming at him as he always would every time Kageyama did something he deemed wrong. Vile words were spewing out of his father's mouth in a vomit of hate and rage. They seemed to slap and punch him in the face, and he remembered tears sliding down his face as he cowered down in his seat. 

His father paused, and took in the hunched figure of his son. He scoffed. 

"You're pathetic, you know that? You sit there, not even speaking back like a real man would. Not even moving, sitting there scared like a pathetic little whore. Are you a girl now, Tobio? You one of those faggots?" 

His mother finally stepped in from where she had been peering through the door, anxiously winding a cleaning rag through her hands. She stepped towards Kageyama's father, and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

"I think that's enough," She murmured to him, as she pressed herself close to his father's side, hugging one of his arms to her chest. Kageyama didn't miss how her other hand clutched the rag so tightly he could see the whites in her knuckles. 

Kageyama's father gazed at him, gazed at him with those eyes of his, so deep blue that they almost looked black. He was still staring at Kageyama with those emotionless eyes when he reared his hand back and slapped his mother right across the face. 

The sound echoed in Kageyama's head long after, but as soon as it registered, he was gone. 

He whirled himself away from it all, tucked himself so tightly into his mind that the words his father was now yelling at his mother were inaudible and unmemorable. 

_Better this way_ , Kageyama thought, as he stared at the oak wood of the dining table, the smell of his forgotten food odorless and undesirable. _Way better this way._

From then on, it became something Kageyama was accustomed to, something that he could even utilize and rely on at certain times. Especially as he grew older, and his father's voice grew louder. 

He last black out had been that last game of junior high. Where, as he watched the ball that he set get closer to the ground, his walls went up higher and higher. Kageyama knew he wasn't well liked, knew of the rumors that followed him around. Yet, as that ball fell without one touch, Kageyama felt it all hit him like a bus. 

When he was pulled off the court, he was already far in his own mind. Sitting on the bench, watching the rest of the game with bleak eyes, Kageyama polished his walls off with steel. For, if his own teammates, the very boys that he was supposed to have control over as a setter would not trust him, who ever would? And if volleyball, the thing he loved the most was virtually impossible all because he could not do his job as a setter...

Karasuno woke him up, and showed him just how fucked up his mindset was. The boys he thought he had to control, had to pull their strings like a puppet-master to do his bidding, were his teammates. People he could rely on, and help to win. 

It wasn't until Kageyama went to Karasuno, and found not only his perfect partner, but a team that accepted him for his flaws, and seemed to care for him regardless of them. He would never forget the first time he and Hinata matched. How the ball flowed right from his fingertips and straight into the palm of Hinata's waiting hand. How the sound of the spike hitting the floor, so perfect and untouched cracked all the walls he had built up. 

When Hinata grinned at him, it was like something in him relaxed. When the team surrounded them with praises and wide eyes of admiration, Kageyama's walls started to fall. 

Volleyball had always been his escape, his way of forgetting everything and just being there in the moment, in the game. To feel the sweat sliding down his face, his ragged breaths tearing through his throat, and the pure good feeling that washed over him whenever he did something well. When he joined Karasuno's team, volleyball became his own paradise. He now had friends, people who seemed to understand his passion and match it perfectly. 

But now, tuned out of the doctor's statements, unable to feel even the uncomfortable sheets against his legs, Kageyama found it all stupidly ironic. Ironic that volleyball was the thing that helped take down his walls, and taking volleyball away was going to be the same same that built them back up. 

His own personal paradise had been stripped away. Burned cut to nothing, along with his arm. 

So Kageyama, letting out a little sigh, faded into himself. 

The doctor asked him questions, the nurses took his vitals, his mother rose from her seat and touched his face. She looked concerned, but Kageyama just stared at her. It wasn't until the look on her face changed into shock and pure sadness that he looked away. Stared out the window, at the sun that still dared to shine, while he lay here, lost. 

At some point, the nurses and doctors left and it was just Kageyama and his mother. She was speaking to him, but why should he even care to listen? It wasn't as though anything she said was ever bring back what was lost, so why should he have to be attentive. 

He floated away, and began swimming through his mind, wondering how deep he could dive into himself. How far would he have to go to be free of all the anger, pain, and sadness he felt. 

Days and weeks passed.

Kageyama barely moved and when he slept, it was only because of the drugs the nurses let drip into his system. He ignored his food, and went limp when a man was sent to force feed him. He barely noticed the feeding tube inserted, barely cared about the bedpan. He was stripped once, and washed by a pair of stoned-faced men, who did not say a word, not even when Kageyama let out a rare hiss of pain.

The bandages that covered him were removed and changed often, and that first glimpse of his missing forearm and hand sent a stab of pain into him, so deep that he could hardly breathe. But Kageyama still just laid there and stared out the same window and watched the same sun travel it's regular path. 

His mother was there almost every day, but he never spoke to her. She talked to him though, her voice a dull drone in the back of his mind. 

Eventually, nurses and the doctor filled his room once more. Kageyama was carted through the halls, and into a separate room, where he was laid back. He supposed he should be worried, but it barely mattered to him, not when he could see the anesthesia pump in a nearby nurse's hand. 

She began speaking to him, and slid the straps of the oxygen mask onto and over his mouth and nose. He caught the words "skin graft" and he was sliding away. 

When he woke, he was disappointed. Why did he have to wake up? Why did he have to come back to this hell? More bandages had been wrapped around his upper body, his abdomen especially. There were even some more on the tops of his thighs, stretching all the way from his hips to his knees. Did he even want to know what they had taken from him this time? 

"Tobio," His mother's voice took him by such surprise that he instinctively turned to her direction. Her eyes widened in shock, and she hurriedly continued, as if scared she would lose his attention once more. 

"We'll be leaving soon, when they clear you from infections, and say you can handle caring for the skin grafts on your own...is-is that okay?" She sounded so hesitant and so stupidly hopeful, that Kageyama turned back away from her. He did not give two shits. Not about leaving (this whole stupid world had become his hell) and not about the skin grafts (whatever the hell that was). 

She was speaking again, but Kageyama was gone. 

Why was he even alive? Why was he spared, why was he here in this world when he couldn't do the one thing he loved? He often wondered if this was his punishment for the harsh things he said to people, and the despicable words he threw at Hinata, right before everything went to hell. 

_Hinata_.

Sometimes, the mere thought of his name cause Kageyama so many mixed emotions that his very mind ached. He did not know where the small, orange-haired boy was, and as much as he tried to convince himself he did not care, the more he thought of him. 

But his mother said he was fine, so clearly, Kageyama was the only one of their freak duo that was harmed. Kageyama didn't know if he hated Hinata or himself for that fact. 

A couple more days flew by. The nurses appeared to change that bandages, and Kageyama got his first look at the skin grafts. 

They were horrid. So ugly and prominent as they spread up from the remaining bicep of his right arm, and painted across his chest, ending in splatters at his left shoulder. It was red, disgusting, and wrinkly. The took up the majority of the top of his chest, but Kageyama noticed the doctor just couldn't let the rest of his body look any better.

Kageyama had always been lean, but now he was close, if not, underweight. His weeks of living off of the nutrients in the feeding tube had not done him any favors in maintaining the muscle he had slowly built after years of playing volleyball. But he could see the scarlet, splotchy spots on his abdomen and thighs, where the doctors had come in and stripped his skin away. And they hurt like hell when they were cleaned. 

When the nurses went in with disinfectant and some other tools, Kageyama let out such a high gasp, that the doctor was called in. He sat, facing Kageyama who was almost naked save for the underwear, and immediately began questioning him. He left after he got no further responses, but as soon as the nurses began to clean again, Kageyama gripped the bedside so hard, he was surprised he didn't pop a vein.

He supposed that if the doctor had stayed, he would've found that questioning Kageyama at this time would've given him the best chance of a response. Kageyama's mind was sharpest at these moments, as the pain stabbed so deep into him there wasn't anywhere for him to escape. 

Once they were finished, Kageyama slowly retreated back into his mind. It wasn't until Kageyama watched the sun set, and the moon begin to rise that he registered the door open and close. Figuring it was his mother, or a nurse ready to administer some new drug, he laid as still as ever and began to plummet deeper, to where he could ignore whatever they were going to say or do. 

But he never got that chance. 

"Ah, Kageyama-kun, I'm so glad to see you!"

His mind hit the ground, and Kageyama felt it like a jolt, as he sat up and met the eyes of Sugawara Koushi. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh the angst THE ANGST. I know I'm putting Kageyama through it, I'm sorry, just know it hurts me too.  
> And don't worry about Hinata... we'll get to him soon enough ;)  
> I'm thinking I'll update this story at least every 2 days and I'll aim to never go 4 days without updating, so hopefully you guys never have to wait very long.  
> As always, thank you guys for all the support!


	4. Waking Up

Neither of them spoke. Just simply stared at each other, and Kageyama noticed how Sugawara had dark circles under his eyes and his silver hair was untidy. The team used to always joke that Sugawara was the mother of Karasuno's volleyball team. Surveying his uncharacteristically messy teammate, Kageyama thought Sugawara had never looked more like a exhausted mother. 

Sugawara turned around to grab the chair Kageyama's mother had discarded the last time she was here. Kageyama took that moment to self-consciously run his hands through his hair, and straighten his shirt. He won't be playing volleyball any time soon, but that didn't mean he valued the older boy's opinion any less. 

When Kageyama first joined Karasuno's team, Sugawara was, by far, the first person who Kageyama truly felt saw through all his prickly defenses. Even Hinata, who was so focused on competing with Kageyama, hadn't yet realized that all of his walls were just that. That Kageyama was more than his snide remarks and talented setting. 

In the beginning, Kageyama couldn't help but compare Sugawara and Oikawa. Sugawara was patiently calm, whereas Oikawa was more fervently anxious. Oikawa was better than Sugawara, and much more consistent with his tosses, but Oikawa didn't seem to be able to read his teammates that same way Sugawara did. 

Of course, this was all before they had actually played Aoba Johsai, and Kageyama knew what had become of his senior from junior high.

But even still, Sugawara never turned away from Kageyama, never took any of his rude comments personally, and even tolerated his voice when it took on his infamous harsh and demanding tone. He was politely competitive with Kageyama, and it seemed that because of it, both of the setters' talents where enhanced, and improved. 

Sugawara sat, and smiled softly at him. 

"How are you?" He asked Kageyama, tone patient and kind, as always. 

Perhaps it was because Kageyama felt that Sugawara's sympathy wasn't just because he was missing a limb, it wasn't because he was in a fiery accident that led to this. It felt genuine. That Sugawara would've still come, and still looked at Kageyama with that composed commiseration if had just a single scratch on him. Kageyama cleared his throat. 

"Okay," Kageyama managed, his throat aching and caked with disuse. Sugawara nodded, and looked past Kageyama, who turned and looked as well. They sat there, and stared at the now visible stars, both quiet and thoughtful. 

"How's," Kageyama hesitated, unsure if this was something he was asking because he wanted to know or because he thought it was the polite thing to do. "How's the team?

Sugawara looked taken aback for a moment, surprise flitting across his face. He recovered quickly, and gently smiled at him before launching into a cascade of stories. 

Tanaka and Nishinoya had launched yet another project in their never-ending attempts to win over Kiyoko. Daichi had his hands full trying to convince them not to do it, while Asashi just anxiously watched it all happened. When Sugawara told him that Tsukishima and Yamaguchi had began dating, Kageyama jolted in surprise and stared at Sugawara in disbelief while his elder laughed. 

"Yes, it gave us a little surprise too. But honestly, me and Daichi saw it coming. I mean the way they were looking at each other.. it was no big surprise."

Kageyama quietly agreed, but imagining someone as reserved as Tsukishima ever confessing their feelings had him quite perplexed. It wasn't that Kageyama had a problem with it (he could honestly care less), but the very fact that they had the courage... it was admirable to Kageyama. But of course, he would never tell anyone that. 

His heart pounded over his thoughts. The team sounded as though they were doing well. Did they not miss Kageyama? Was he not as good as he thought he was? Was it no big deal that he was gone?

"We miss you. You and Hinata. It's not the same without the two of you there."

Kageyama appreciated that, felt something in him settle. He met Sugawara's brown eyes, hoping to translate a question he didn't dare ask out loud. To his surprise, Sugawara looked faintly disappointed. 

"Hinata went home about a week ago, none of us have seen him. We tried to see the both of you here, but they turned us away every time. I know Nishinoya tried to see Hinata at his home, but his mother told him he was asleep, so he left, but-"

Kageyama didn't hear what he said next, because his head was pounding under all the information. Pure anger washed over him, and he was barely aware of his hands gripping the sheets. What a fucking joke his life was. Why, and how did this happen. Why was he, Kageyama, the one with a career ending injury. What did he do to deserve this bullshit, and just why, why was it him. Without him, Hinata wouldn't even have his wings, wouldn't even be close to being as good as he was now. 

Sugawara was quietly observing him with a pensive look on his face, when Kageyama snapped out of his thoughts. 

"You should talk to him, Kageyama-kun," Sugawara's voice was soft, but steady and stern. 

Kageyama turned away, not liking the expression displayed on Sugawara's face. 

"The two of you...the two of you need to have a conversation. When and how, that doesn't matter. But are you ever going to feel," Sugawara paused, as though searching for the right word. "Feel as though you have some sort of closure?

"I know the two of you fought, I know that some, well, some really bad things were said between you guys. Kageyama, are you really not going to take initiative and do something?" Somewhere along his sentences, Sugawara's tone had grown sharper, and it began grating against Kageyama's nerves. 

"I don't have to do anything," He spat, not meeting Sugawara's eyes. "This is all him. Because of him, I'm here. I don't have to take initiative for shit."

Sugawara was silent.

"So you're just going to lay here and waste away?" He said, sounding astonished at that. Kageyama bristled at the accusation. Because he knew that's exactly what he wanted to do. Much easier that way, to waste away and never have to show his face outside of these hospital rooms. He didn't know if it was the pride, or his now slightly deflated ego, but Kageyama hated being this way, and he didn't want anyone else to see his new vulnerability. 

Kageyama opened his mouth, but Sugawara beat him to it. 

"Don't you dare say yes," Kageyama finally looked at his senpai, finally saw Sugawara's wide eyes and harsh breaths. "Don't you dare, you are supposed to be better than me, Kageyama. You are supposed to be the resilient one, the genius one. 

"None of that matters now," Kageyama growled, staring holes into the wall. Did Sugawara not understand that his literal hand was gone? There is no more competition between the two of them. Sugawara had his starting spot, it didn't matter. None of this matters anymore. 

Kageyama took a deep breath. If he could just float away, just not be here anymore, not listen...

"Don't you fucking dare, Kageyama," Kageyama whipped his head around in shock, looking at Sugawara who was glaring at him through narrowed eyes. "You think I didn't hear the nurses as I came in? Talking about how you haven't moved, haven't eaten, haven't talked to another soul in A DAMN MONTH?!"

"SHUT UP!" Kageyama exploded back at him, as he sat up even farther, swinging his legs around towards the front of the bed, his one hand braced as though he was going to push up and face Sugawara standing. He ignored the pulling at his abdomen, the flashes of pain. "You don't know anything, you don't know what it's been like, what it's felt like to lose everything and not be able to do a damn thing about it!"

Sugawara was quiet, and Kageyama could hear only his own ragged breaths. His throat ached, he didn't mean to scream like that. It upset him, that one of the only people he thought understood him, was throwing all of this against him.

Kageyama already knew. Knew that the nurses and doctors probably called him depressed and unwilling. Figured that his mother had probably bargained and begged her way around the hospital putting him on some kind of drug to make him comply. 

But Kageyama didn't see another way around this. This was his way of coping, his way of dealing with his loss. Volleyball was his life, his sport, his passion. Kageyama even hoped, dreamed, of it being his future. Losing volleyball was like losing his life, except he was still here. He still couldn't fathom why. 

"Kageyama-kun, I don't mean to sound cliche, but I fully believe you can do anything you really set your mind to," Sugawara's voice was back to being soft, and when Kageyama looked at him, he was studying his hands. "I know, I can only imagine what it's been like for you, losing volleyball," Kageyama looked down at his legs, dangling from the bed. 

"But Kageyama, you can still fight. Still find a way."

"How? I've lost-" He choked off. Even now, he couldn't say it. Even as he could see _it_ , what was left of his arm. 

"I know, Kageyama-kun. I know." Sugawara stood up, and fixed him with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. He walked to the door, and paused, his hand on the knob. He looked back at Kageyama. "But you can still get up. Can still fight."

"I can't," Kageyama whispered, his throat strangely tight. "I don't have anything left to fight for."

Sugawara was so silent, Kageyama thought he left. 

"Yourself, Kageyama. Fight for yourself." 

Kageyama looked up, but Sugawara was out the door, and gone. 

* * *

Sugawara briskly walked down the halls, hoping that if he walked fast enough, the defeated image of Kageyama would blur and erase from his mind. 

He ignored the doctor, who tried to talk to him about what Kageyama said, the nurses that wanted updates on movements, and even Kageyama's mother. She gave him a watery smile, and seemed to understand. 

The first time the team came in to visit both Kageyama and Hinata, they were sent away. It had been the morning after their accident, and Sugawara remembered glancing at the abnormally anxious and quiet faces of Tanaka and Nishinoya. Yamaguchi was nervously biting his nails, Daichi and Asashi were gripping their school bags tightly. Even Tsukishima seemed anxious, as he kept fiddling with his long fingers. The receptionist immediately told them they weren't ready, that both of them were still under. Hinata was not to be disturbed, and Kageyama was still in his emergency procedure. 

They met Kageyama's mother after, in the lobby. After tearful introductions, she sat down with the team for a moment, and they all talked quietly. They tried to piece together what happened, and together, the team told her all they knew of the fight the pair had before hand. Eventually, Hinata's mother and sister, Natsu, joined in after another round of introductions. 

After about an hour, Daichi stood and ushered them out, saying that they could come back in the afternoon, and he was sure Hinata and Kageyama's mothers needed rest. Sugawara stayed a bit behind, as he was positive Nishinoya and Tanaka might try to sneak back. 

"Sugawara," Kageyama's mother had called out to him. He had flinched, the guilt he felt for not trying harder to stop the pair was overwhelming. Kageyama's mother gave him a small smile. "I'm- I'm not sure when he'll be ready, but when he is... can you talk to him?" Sugawara had stared at her for a moment, confused. He, of course, had told her yes, and when she contacted him, he came right away.

But now, rushing out of the hospital, Sugawara understood why she wanted him to talk to him. Kageyama was... was worse than he could ever imagine. The overwhelming amount of defeat and emptiness in the boy's eyes seemed to put a hole through Sugawara's heart. Kageyama looked as though he had just stopped living the moment he woke up. Just gave up completely. 

Kageyama's normally straight and carefully combed hair was messy and greasy, he was incredibly thin, and Sugawara didn't miss the tubes leading into his back. While he wore a hospital gown, Sugawara could see the bandages that peaked through the top of the shirt. It wasn't until Kageyama turned to face him, turned and seemed about to stand, that he saw the missing space. 

He barely refrained from gasping. Thank goodness Sugawara had always been decent at concealing his emotions, because at the sight, he wanted to cry. Even though his mother had briefed him on what happened, it still shocked him. 

The end of his bicep was covered in bandages, but the emptiness of where those powerful forearms and the skilled right hand of Kageyama's...

Sugawara was out of the hospital, and was close to a jog as he walked back through the streets, not exactly sure of where he was going. 

The only one who was as stubborn, if not even more, than Kageyama was Hinata. Perhaps if they talked, if something was worked out between the pair, everything would be okay. Sugawara knew setting and receiving was virtually impossible, but Kageyama was a fantastic hitter and server. He could always learn to hit and serve left handed. Sugawara would make something work out if it came to that, and Hinata could always fire Kageyama up.

That was assuming Hinata was okay. While the team knew what happened to Kageyama, his mother had been fairly open about that, Hinata's mother was rarely seen after that first day. Unfortunately, Tanaka was the first to run in to her, and when he asked, she burst into tears. And of course, nobody seeing Hinata even after he went home, was scary, and placed a shard of fear in Sugawara's heart. 

But Kageyama didn't seem to realize that. All he seemed to focus on was the fact that volleyball had been ripped from his life, and it seemed Sugawara that Kageyama didn't know what to do anymore. 

Sugawara sighed, and watched his breath appear in the winter air. 

They would be okay. Kageyama could fight. 

_Just talk to Hinata_ , Sugawara thought, _just be okay, please_. 

_Fight Kageyama, fight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, my motivation for writing just skyrocketed so I got this thing up as soon as possible.  
> Little hints of what happened to Hinata, little hints.. promise I'll get there soon ;)  
> Hope everyone is doing well!


	5. Trying to Fight

Maybe it was Sugawara's voice, ringing through his thoughts all night. Maybe it was Kageyama's own burning curiosity, his own driving will. 

Whatever it was, Kageyama found himself wide awake the next morning, staring right into his baffled mother's eyes.

"I want to go home," he said, not even trying to hide the sharpness in his voice. She recovered quickly and straightened. 

"Okay, but you will have to talk to the doctor before you go, he needs to explain to you-"

Kageyama didn't hear what she said next, only thinking of how he was finally about to be _out_. Finally out of this bed, this room, this damn hospital. A part of him slyly stated that he was the one that kept himself here for as long as he did, but he shoved that part down. He didn't need something else to add to the list of reasons he hated himself.

About two hours later, Kageyama found himself standing on uneasy legs. His whole center of balance was off, and he kept involuntarily waving his left arm in small circles, trying to regain it. A nurse stood close by, anxiously twirling a pen in her hand as she watched him wobble around. Kageyama was red-faced, this was one of the most humiliating things. He knew how to walk, dammit. It didn't help that the doctor's small comments to his mother grated against his fragile nerves.

"Hm, his balance definitely needs work," Yeah, no shit. 

"He can't seem to stay up for very long, probably because he's been out for a while," Wow, this man was really the professional, wasn't he?

"He will have to attend physical therapy, and definitely a talk therapist," At this, Kageyama finally snapped. 

He turned to the doctor, and got right in his face. It would've been more menacing, had Kageyama not stumbled over some nonexistent bump in the floor. Kageyama noted, with no small amount of satisfaction, that he stood about two inches taller than the doctor.

I am not, am NOT, going to ANY therapy," Kageyama hissed, ignoring his mother's exclamation of his name. "I don't need any of that bullshit." The doctor met his eyes, and while he didn't back down, Kageyama saw the muscle in his jaw tick. 

"You have relied on a medical induced sleep and food distribution for about a month now. When comparing your past weight and BMI score, it showed you are weaker than you have ever been in the last five years. You are going to have to relearn many things, and a physical therapist would cut the time that would take in half."

Kageyama opened his mouth to cut in, to say he could hold his own, but the doctor kept speaking. 

"Not to mention, you were unresponsive, uncooperative, and virtually impossible to reach. You did not speak to me, any of the nurses, or the psychiatrist I sent in. On top of that," He had moved close to Kageyama, close enough to where Kageyama could feel the rage emitting off this man like a heat wave. 

"You wouldn't talk to your own mother. That woman-" He thrust a finger out towards Kageyama's mother. "That woman has been by your bedside every damn day for a month, and you wouldn't even look at her." Kageyama was finding it harder and hard to meet the doctor's hard stare. Something like guilt was curdling in his stomach and he wanted to throw up. The doctor seemed to remember he was talking to a patient. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and took a step back. When he opened his eyes again, he pinned Kageyama with another hard stare. 

"You will go to therapy. For both your physical and mental well-being," Kageyama started to make a sound of protest, but the doctor talked right over him. "You will do this, or I will emit you into a residential mental health facility myself," Oh, did that shut Kageyama up. Anger was now boiling so hot inside of him, Kageyama wouldn't have been surprised if steam was rising from his head. 

Kageyama broke his eye contact with the doctor and looked down. The last thing he wanted to do was be in something like a mental health facility. He could stomach going to therapy if it meant he didn't have to do anything like that. He heard the doctor let loose a little relieved sigh, and the man continued explaining other things Kageyama was going to have to do, like checking the skin grafts for infections.

It wasn't long before Kageyama tuned him out, and began thinking of ways he could get out of this therapy business. Physical therapy didn't bother him, but he has always hated having to depend on others for help. Talk therapy just made him nauseated. How the hell was he supposed to talk to someone about this? There wasn't even anything to really talk about. He got in a accident. He lost part of his right arm. Was he depressed for about a month, maybe, but he'd make sure he came across as fine now. 

That;s what he would do. Kageyama smiled slightly to himself, taking no notice of his mother's hand on his arm, trying to drag his attention back to the doctor. He could pretend, pretend to be happy so that the therapist wouldn't feel the need to waste their time talking to him. 

Easy. 

Another couple of hours later, and Kageyama was finally standing in the foyer of his home, looking around as though he had never been there before. He shook his head as though clearing away thoughts, and went to remove his shoes.

He got the first one off fine, by just pushing the back of the heel down while simultaneously sliding his foot out. But he could not, for the very life of him, get the other one off. He took him sitting on his ass like he was in grade one, and physically taking it off with his left hand. All while ignoring his mother's not-so-subtle glances as she busied herself with dusting the coat rack and straightening the other shoes.

When he stood up, they stood there in silence, Kageyama focusing all of his thoughts on how the hell he was supposed to tie shoelaces with just one hand. She gripped her bag, and Kageyama heard her inhale like she was about to say something. Before she could, Kageyama muttered how he wanted to take a shower, and walked away. 

He didn't exactly know where all of this anger towards his mother was coming from, only knew that he didn't want to hear anything she had to say. Maybe it made him an asshole, maybe it nominated him for the worst son of the year, Kageyama didn't particularly care. 

He made his way to his room, and stood in the door frame for a moment, not sure why he was here. He didn't have anything to put up, because nothing was left from the accident. 

_Clothes_ , Kageyama thought. _Just get clothes for after the shower_. He grabbed a random shirt and pants, made his way to the shower, and cut the water on. 

Everything seemed to go downhill from there.

To start, getting his clothes off took a ridiculously long time. While Kageyama was accustomed to taking his shirt off with one hand, that one hand had been his right. Figuring out how to get it off with his left hand was so stupidly frustrating, that Kageyama didn't bother to refrain from cursing and ripping the shirt a bit.

Once he finally shimmed his way out of his shirt and pants, the bathroom mirror had fogged up with steam. Kageyama was glad, it just meant he didn't have to see his scarred body in the mirror. He kept his eyes off of it, and slipped into the shower. For a minute, he just let the hot water beat against his back, before he reached for the shampoo bottle.

It wasn't until he had the bottle in his left hand that he realized he couldn't unscrew the cap. Frustration broiled under his skin as he put the bottle back down to take the damn cap off, and pour it on his head. But of course, he poured too much, and ended up getting it into his eyes.

"Damn it," he hissed, angrily rubbing his eyes. "I can't catch a fucking break."

That seemed to set the tone for the rest of the shower. Rinsing the excess shampoo out was way more difficult than he thought, washing his body took too long, and there seemed to be a spot on his back he couldn't reach no matter how hard he strained. 

Over time, the water gradually got colder, until Kageyama felt like the Arctic Ocean itself was slicing down his body. He stepped out and went to grab a towel, but since Kageyama's life was just a fucking joke to the universe at this point, he slipped and fell face first on the tiled concrete.

He just lay there for a moment, more shocked than hurt. And then everything that had been bottling up just exploded out. He didn't realize he was screaming and hitting the floor with his hand until his mother's voice was screaming over his, and he could hear her trying to get in. The last thing he wanted her to see was him butt-naked on the bathroom floor, screaming like a toddler who didn't get his way. 

"I'm fine," Kageyama called to her, voice uneven, standing even though he was shaking. "I'm fine, sorry I scared you." She didn't say anything, and as he tried to wrap a towel around his waist (yet another task that was difficult), he heard her walk away. Once he finally managed to get the towel around his hips and was holding it up, he leaned against the sink, facing the wall. 

He started taking deep breaths, trying to clear whatever was stuck in his throat that was making it hard for him to breathe. This was going to be hard.

* * *

Three days passed by. Kageyama found that while he was in his black out, school had stopped for winter break, and he had been given an excused absence for the rest of the year. He was relieved, he couldn't even leave his house, how was he supposed to face his peers?  
  


Sugawara had come by to see him one late afternoon, but Kageyama told his mother to tell Sugawara that he was sleeping, and to leave him be. Something in the back of his mind nagged that that was what Hinata's mother told Nishinoya and Tanaka, but like all thoughts about Hinata, Kageyama shoved them away. 

He focused all of his efforts on trying to relearn even the most minimal tasks. It wasn't as though he had no clue how to do them, his left hand just seemed to not know. To top it all off, the amount of times Kageyama reach for something with his right arm only to catch himself was so utterly frustrating that Kageyama wanted to scream every time. 

Everything felt new. Eating food, putting on deodorant, combing his hair, putting on clothes, _brushing his damn teeth_. 

It made Kageyama not want to do anything anymore. Made him want to crawl right back into his mind, because it was so hard for seemingly no reason. 

He avoided his mother at all costs, and left his room only to shower and eat. It burned in the back of his mind that his collection of volleyballs was stowed away in one of the closets by the front door, there for Kageyama to grab on to when he was leaving.

He missed it so much.

Kageyama just pushed it down and away. Spent his days watching random YouTube videos he didn't remember two hours later, and rereading manga he hadn't touched since junior high. Anything to ignore his constantly circling thoughts, the ones that always came back to a certain orange-haired boy.

When Kageyama could sleep, he found he couldn't ignore Hinata in his dreams. They forced him to relive those final moments, seeing them in such abstract clarity. Sometimes, it felt as though he was back there. Pinned down, suffocating slowly, helpless to what was coming. The smell of smoke stuffed up his nose and pushed down his throat, the ringing in his ears. And Kageyama always could see _him_. Always had to watch _him_ , watch it happen. It woke him every time, sweaty and gasping. 

It wasn't until the fourth day, after another sleepless night, that Kageyama slammed his book down on his bed and hunched over, gripping his hair. He couldn't stand it anymore. He had to know. Because something in him just knew that there was no way Hinata was okay. 

Kageyama stood, grabbed a jacket, and promptly walked right out of his house. 

The path to Hinata's house was so ingrained in Kageyama's mind from meeting the boy there almost every morning before school that he was able to focus on other things. He shoved his hand in his pocket, and curled into his hands into a fist.

 _It's just cold_ , Kageyama thought, as his hand shook. _I'm just cold._ He kept glancing over his shoulder, looking for something he knew wasn't going to come after him (he was on the sidewalk now, damn it) but the paranoia was eating him alive.

When he finally arrived, he stood outside for a moment, staring at the house. He had only been inside a couple times, to have quick cram sessions before a final, but he knew which window Hinata could see out of from his bedroom. He wondered if Hinata could see him now, and was telling his mother to lie and tell Kageyama he was sleeping.

Kageyama's heart seemed to be trying to thunder its way out of his chest, and he was sweating despite the cool weather. Taking a deep breath, and shoving his hand deeper into his jacket, he walked up to the door and knocked.

It took her a moment, but eventually Hinata's mother answered the door. If she was shocked to see him, she did not show it. Just stood there, staring at him, staring at where _it_ was. Kageyama flushed, and he started searching for his voice. 

"I-um, can I?" He stumbled over his words, shifting from foot to foot, finding the door frame very interesting to look at. Hinata's mother recovered, and stood back from the doorway with a soft smile.

"Of course honey, sorry, it's just been a while," She sounded as though she was trying to be warm and welcoming, but it ended up coming out stiff and rather unsure. Kageyama stepped through anyways, pushing past the tower of nerves that had steadily grown higher. Up close, Kageyama noticed how tired she looked, and how she clutched the broomstick she was holding as though it was her only support. Then, from around the corner, a small, fireball of hair slammed right into him.

"Kageyama-san!" Her small arms wrapped around his leg, and Kageyama tried not to wince as her voice carried through the home. Natsu peeked up at him, her eyes shining and pigtails slightly askew. "It's been so long! Where have you been? I tried to tell Okaa-san to call you, but Shouyou said not to, and Kageyama-san you've got to get him," She rambled on, her little arms clutching his pants and eyes staring unflinchingly into his. For a moment, those eyes looked so much like Hinata's that Kageyama looked away and swallowed.

"Natsu, that is enough. Let the boy breathe for goodness sake!" Her mother chided. Natsu backed off instantly, but still beamed at Kageyama regardless. Her mother sighed. "C'mon Natsu, you can help me with dinner," She didn't look at Kageyama as she turned and grabbed her daughter's hand. "He's in his bedroom."

They walked away, and Kageyama was left staring up at the staircase that led to both Hinata's and Natsu's bedrooms. His heart was roaring in his ears as he climbed the stairs, and he wasn't sure if he was that out of shape, or just anxious as he breathed deeply. 

_Second door on the left second door on the left second door on the left second-_

And he was standing in front of it. It was closed, so Kageyama raised his fist to knock. Once, twice. No answer. So he knocked again. No answer. Slightly frustrated, Kageyama rested his hand on the knob, wondering what he should do. It wasn't as though Hinata was asleep, his mother didn't say that. So Hinata had to be able to hear him. Maybe he should stop, and leave him alone. But Kageyama's guilt and overwhelming amount of curiosity would not let him. He opened his mouth, hesitated, and then proceeded before he could stop himself.

"Hinata," His voice came out in a whisper. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Hinata. It's-" Hinata knew very well who he was. "It's me."

No answer. Kageyama stood there for a moment, staring at where his hand rested on the doorknob. He turned, feeling defeated and utterly hopeless when he heard the thud of something falling. He was opening the door and pushing his way inside before he even recognized what he was doing. 

He didn't even know where to start. Where to look. He wouldn't even have recognized Hinata if it weren't for the orange hair, as the way he crouched, on his hands and knees, head bent in defeat was so unlike Hinata Shouyou. They didn't speak, and Kageyama just stood there, acutely aware of how he was standing, where he was standing, what he was doing, and above all: the way the jacket's empty spot on his right arm just dangled.

Hinata's room was a mess. Books and CD's were strewn all over the floor, as well as clothing and other random objects. His volleyball posters that he had taken such pride in when he showed Kageyama his room were shredded, and hung halfway off his walls. His bed sheets were wrinkled and his comforter was bunched in the middle, as though Hinata heard Kageyama and tried to bury himself in a cocoon of blankets. 

And then the boy himself, who's small form was still on all fours, with his hands pressed into the ground. Kageyama couldn't see his face, just the mop of hair that was longer and messier than Kageyama had ever seen it. If he listened hard enough, it sounded like Hinata was gasping. 

"Why are you here."

His voice caught Kageyama by such surprise that he actually flinched. It sounded deeper, and husky, as though Kageyama woke him from a nap. That wasn't all of course, the lack of tone in Hinata's voice was enough to shake him up. The boy that always had such emotion when he told Kageyama an awesome play he saw at a game, or a story about one of the other player's, had a voice so utterly empty it made Kageyama kneel down as well. 

"I wanted to see you," Was all Kageyama managed, fixated on the ways Hinata's hands seemed to try and grip the wooden floorboards. His eyes traveled up, and he frowned at the bruises that spotted Hinata's arms in odd places.

"Well, you see me," Hinata spat back at him, still not looking up. "Now get out. I don't want to s-, I don't want you here,"

Kageyama didn't know how to feel. The utter spite, anger, and defeat and Hinata's voice unsettled him, and made him want to do a number of stupid things, like scream or cry. 

"I just wanted to-" Kageyama started, but Hinata snarled and cut in.

"I don't have anything I want to say to you, get out," Kageyama's patience was running thin, so thin. "Are you fucking deaf now? Get out." And it wore out. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you? I just wanted to see how you were, and to talk. This whole situation is fucked up, and trust me I get why you're mad, I'm plenty pissed too, but can we just-"

"No, you asshole, I have nothing I want to say to you, just leave!"

"No! Not until you fucking look me in the goddamn eyes. What are you, so fucking crippled that you can't even sit up and look me in the eyes to tell me off?" 

There are some moments in Kageyama's life, where as soon as the words leave his mouth, he knows he misunderstood the situation. And when Hinata pushed his arms back so that he was resting on his knees, facing Kageyama and finally met not his eyes, but slightly to the left of his face, Kageyama knew.

He didn't stop the gasp, didn't do anything except stare and stare.

It looked as though someone with a hand of fire had reached down and slapped Hinata Shouyou all the way across the face. It was a slash of scarlet angry burns that went from the bottom of Hinata's left ear all the way across to his right. It spared the tip of his nose, his lips and the top of his forehead, but took his eyebrows with it. Kageyama had seen enough of his own skin grafts to recognize the ones that stretched across parts of his face, but the closer to his eyes, the more of them there were.

Because Hinata's eyes were gone. Where the white were supposed to be, was only a pure red, and his iris' were cloudy and white. Those beautiful hazel eyes of his, that shone when he scored, crinkled when he smiled, and nearly closed when he laughed, were gone. 

Kageyama's throat was closed up, and something was welling in his eyes, and he was trying to breathe, trying to say something, but he just couldn't.

How pathetically wrong he was. How stupid he was to think Hinata wasn't affect. Hinata took the brunt of it, was closer to that overturned truck than he was. Kageyama saw it in his dreams every night. 

"You're, you're-" He couldn't say, couldn't spit it out. Hinata narrowed his eyes, and Kageyama couldn't help but wonder if it hurt like his arm sometimes did when he moved it a certain way. 

"Yeah, glad to see your eyesight wasn't affected. Now get out. I have nothing to say to you now, and nothing I ever want to say to you. If I never have to hear from you again, it will be too fucking soon. Get. Out." Hinata pointed, and some dark and hideous part of Kageyama wanted to laugh as he pointed to the wall instead of the door.

He rose, and walked towards the door, pausing as he was halfway out the door frame. He looked back at Hinata, who was clenching his hands, still gazing at the spot Kageyama was just at. Kageyama just knew, knew he wasn't going to let Hinata go without the boy ever knowing just how sorry he was that this all happened. Maybe it made him a selfish prick, but Kageyama just couldn't live like that.

"When you're ready, I'm ready."

And he turned, walked down the stairs, and out the door. Kageyama made it to the mailbox, before he was running, sprinting as though trying to outrun the tears that were now falling, and the sadness, guilt, and self-hatred that clawed at his very core. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter is probably the longest out of them so far. Hope you made it, hope you are here.
> 
> Fun fact for ya, while writing this chapter I put my right arm behind my back and basically ran around my house trying random things in order to kinda get a similar feel for how it would feel. Did try to take a shower while doing it, and may or may not have gotten shampoo in my eyes. Definitely interesting. 
> 
> Another fun fact, I've only watched Haikyuu!! all the way through once. I tried to rewatch again (this time dubbed because the first time was sub), but dub was so weird to listen to after watching the sub for so long that I stopped and started rewatching in sub again. I have never read the manga (am looking into it though) so for little things i'm a bit clueless. also, no spoilers pretty please :)
> 
> Also, because I just found out as I was typing this chapter note, the rest of Haikyuu!! To the Top is being broadcasted in October! If anyone has any idea how many episodes the rest of it is going to be, please let me know. 
> 
> okay, back to the story. so we finally saw my boy Hinata. Was kinda missing him ngl.. for those of you that caught on to Hinata's injury is, i'm kinda glad cause that means I'm doing my job with the foreshadowing and all that juicy stuff. 
> 
> Anyways, to end this unnecessarily long chapter note, i'll try to have the next update out in 3 to 4 days again. Hope everyone who is reading this is well, and as always, thank you for all the support!


	6. Fears and Sleepless Nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning [Mentions of Panic Attacks, Anxiety Attacks, and Suicide Attempt]

One day, maybe in his third year of elementary school, Hinata's teacher asked his class what they were afraid of. It was supposed to be a small icebreaker for a later lesson, and one-by-one, every one of his classmates answered. 

Snakes, spiders, falling, heights, bears, lions-

"Hinata Shouyou?" His teacher's voice reached Hinata like a beam through a thick fog, disrupting the peaceful lull of his wandering thoughts.

"Huh?" Hinata said, blinking stupidly at her. His face flushed as he heard his classmates whisper and giggle. 

"What are you afraid of?" His teacher gazed at him, and her tone lost a bit of it's patience.

He had to think for a moment, distracted by the laughing from his classmates that was steadily getting louder. 

"Hinata-" 

"The dark," Hinata blurted out, louder than he meant. Even more warmth rushed to his face and he wanted to bury his head into the ground. His classmates continued to whisper, and he twisted his hands in his lap as they snickered. His teacher looked disappointed, but nodded and moved on to the next person. 

Staring at his intertwined hands, Hinata thought of the answer that flew from his mouth. Was he really scared of the dark? Of all things? Natsu had just turned two, how was he supposed to be a good big brother if he was scared of the dark?

The more he thought about it, the more his heart sank. He had never thought too deeply about the night-light he kept in the corner of his room, and of the night the bulb went out and he laid there for hours, heart racing too fast for sleep. The first thing he told his mother that morning, exhausted and sleep deprived, was that he needed batteries. He supposed it made sense, and resolved to remove the night-light, and somehow fix this irrational fear of his.

He never did. 

And now, with his eyes wide open, only able to feel the wooden panels of his bedroom floor digging into his knees and the sound of his own rushed breath and Kageyama's fading footsteps, Hinata had never hated the dark more. 

The front door squeaked as it opened, and slammed as it closed. Hinata counted his breaths for a moment, trying to steady himself. His hands were slightly shaking, so he pressed them to the floor, aiming to ground himself, to remind him that he was here.

It must be bad. For obvious reasons, Hinata had never seen what his eyes or face looked like in the aftermath of the accident, but if Kageyama's not-so-subtle gasp was any indication...

Hinata shoved down his insecurities and refocused himself on feeling the floor, and listening to his own breathing. While he wished he could boast that he thought of this tactic all by himself, his therapist had been the one to teach him, murmuring encouragement as he fell for what felt like the hundredth time, and was close to having another one of the attacks.

Sometimes suddenly, the attacks caused him to shake violently, and his mother told he would thrash if anyone got near, and would yell obscurities. Other times, he would just shut down, and curl into himself, silently sobbing as he tried to catch his breath. 

On rare occasions, Hinata was able to feel them coming on, could feel himself winding up like a jack-in-the-box. Tighter and tighter, until everything exploded out, and he was dizzy, unfocused, and numb to whatever was going on. 

Hinata had no control over them, although he wished to. They were long, and it took him a while to recover and settle down after one. His therapist had tried to work the triggers out with him, but all that managed to do was depress him. So, she had switched gears and had begun teaching him how to work through them. 

Because Hinata Shouyou was definitely scared of the dark that had become his present and future. A lifetime succumbed in darkness, seeing nothing but the inky black. It killed him, made him want to sink into nothing and just lay there, aching in his own sorrow. 

Volleyball was gone. It was impossible. He had made it to Nationals, but for what? So he could end up here, sitting in his own personal darkness, basically unable to do anything? Everything he had worked for, the very thing he loved... it was gone. 

Hinata took a deep breath, and in one movement, he pushed back on his hands and stood up. His arms spread out automatically, a scanner for anything that he might bump into. His arms already ached enough from the constant sprawls and tumbles Hinata managed to make just by walking around his room. 

He took a step, and when his bare feet found nothing but the cool floor, Hinata took another. He tried to remember how many steps there were from his bed to the middle of his room, but of course, he couldn't.

Hinata gritted his teeth, as he took another cautious step forward. He had to be getting close. Damn him for getting a bed that sat high above the ground, what an inconvenience. Hinata took a step, and his outstretched hands grasped the fitted sheet of the bed. Feeling confident, he planted both hands on the top, and went to swing his legs over.

He miscalculated the distance, and the resulting pain in his shin let him know it. He swore, and finally got himself on the bed, where he laid back. He knew his face was up, so he had to be looking at the ceiling, but not being able to see even the white of it...

He sighed, and turned to his right, so that he was facing the wall instead of the door. His head began swimming, and he gritted his teeth once again before diving headfirst into the pool of thoughts and questions that swum in his mind. 

By thinking of Kageyama so much, had Hinata managed to manifest his unexpected arrival? It wasn't like Hinata didn't want to hear from him, it was that he wanted it to be on his own terms. Something he could've controlled. Although, it wasn't as though Kageyama could text him, if his phone was anything like Hinata's, it probably had gone up in the flames. 

But Kageyama calling Hinata crippled when he himself wasn't exactly far from that... It had struck a nerve of rage so deep in Hinata that he could barely breathe and wanted to physically hit his former setter.

Hinata knew. Knew exactly what had happened to the setter, had listened to Kageyama's mother sob about it to Hinata's own mother, a day or so after Hinata woke up. How Kageyama was still under, how they had to-

He had been so sure that Kageyama was the only one who would really understand it. Volleyball was gone from him too, but maybe the fight had rifted something between them that was far deeper than Hinata understood. 

Hinata hadn't forgiven Kageyama, no, that was far from it. More like begrudgingly accepted that he had it bad too. But laying here in the darkness, Hinata truly felt as though he had gotten the shorter end of the stick. And did it make him furious. 

But he had spent a lot of time thinking about it, replaying the fight, and what both of them spat at each other. He was angry, he was hurt, and a part of him felt like this whole thing was Kageyama's fault. But Hinata knew who instigated it, who had pushed Kageyama far past his limits. 

Natsu had shrieked Kageyama's name loud enough for Hinata to hear it, and with a racing heart he situated himself so that he would look like he was asleep. Even though he had thought about it constantly, he wasn't ready to see him, the sting of the words Kageyama had told him before the accident still aching. It was all overwhelming; the desire to hear from Kageyama mashing violently against his fear of the same thing. 

But hearing Kageyama call his name so hesitantly, so afraid... Hinata had bolted from his bed, and had fallen to the floor faster than his mind could catch up. 

He shook his head, and unnecessarily closed his eyes. Not feeling the sting of pain as his eyelids slid of the burnt retina of his eyes was a blessing in itself, and Hinata took a small moment to be grateful that at least the eye drops that the doctor had prescribed were working. 

Hinata didn't know what to do. He was pinned down in his own head, unsure of what he was supposed to do with his life. Volleyball had been everything to him, his whole world. It's where his friends were, his joy. Hinata had been so willing, so unafraid to commit so that it would be his future. 

He sighed, and opened his eyes again. It wasn't as though he could find anything else to do either, so many things relied on eyesight. No other sports, no reading, writing, or anything like that. Even the most minimal tasks seemed impossible. No, for now, it seemed better to just lay here and think. Maybe if he thought long enough, he could find something, find a purpose to this emptiness. 

A week later, someone else was climbing up the stairs to Hinata's room. Hinata, who had been lying on the left side, flipped over so that he was facing to the right, and whoever that was could not see his face. 

He listened. It wasn't his mother, the gait wasn't heavy and didn't stomp the same way. It definitely wasn't Natsu, the footsteps weren't that light, and Natsu walked in a way that could only be described as bouncy. As they got closer, Hinata was nearly convinced it was Kageyama, as the person walked gracefully like him, but it was much lighter than Kageyama. 

The door opened, and Hinata flinched as it squeaked. 

_So much for pretending to be asleep_ , he thought bitterly. While he was busy reprimanding himself in his head, the person crossed through his room and sat down at the foot of his bed. Hinata curled into himself, nearly brimming over the top with curiosity, even though he was afraid of the person seeing his face. How did they even get in? Why didn't his mother turn them away, or at least ask Hinata? Granted, she didn't tell him about Kageyama (something he was still a bit salty about), but for Sugawara, Nishinoya, and Tanaka she did. 

Hinata didn't have to wait for long. 

A small sigh came from the person, and sounded as though they were tapping at something hard and plastic. Hinata thought his heart stopped, and he sat up, shocked. It couldn't be, it's so far from where he lives, how did he-

"Hi Shouyou," His voice was as quiet and thoughtful as ever, and Hinata could feel the sheets tighten as Kenma Kozume turned his body to face him. 

Hinata's throat tightened, and he hated not being able to know if he was facing Kenma. The tapping had resumed, and he could picture Kenma so clearly in his head. Kenma's brow was slightly furrowed as he focused on his game, fingers nimbly tapping at the controls, and he was probably hunched over with the smallest frown on his face. 

"Kenma," Hinata started, not exactly sure where he should start. He settled on something blunt. "Kenma-san, why are you here?" The tapping paused, and Hinata gripped his sheets, so overwhelmingly frustrated that he couldn't see his friend. 

"I heard what happened," Kenma said quietly, "So I came to see you."

"Okay, but why? I mean, aren't you in school?" Hinata asked, astonished now that the shock had worn off.

"It's our break too," The tapping started right back up again, and with his heads pressed against them, Hinata could feel the sheets tighten and relax as Kenma shifted his position. They both sat there in silence, Hinata staring aimlessly at something he couldn't see, and Kenma playing his game. 

"Kenma," Hinata began, slightly hesitant. "Why are you really here? Did someone contact you, and how did you even get here? Wait, how do you even know where I live?"

There was the slightest thump as he dropped his game on the bed, and Kenma heaved a big sigh as though it physically pained him to separate from his game. 

"Shouyou, I believe you told me we are friends. I'm here by myself, I took the bus, and you told me once," Kenma said in a rather exasperated tone, as though he couldn't believe Hinata was really questioning him about this. 

"Ah, okay then... I don't-I don't really know anything we can do," Hinata's voice gradually got quieter and quieter as his confidence faded and he angled his head so his face was pointing down towards the bed. Hinata didn't need the rush of warmth across his cheeks to know he was embarrassed of Kenma seeing him like this. He was sure he looked like a mess, with his overgrown hair and week-old clothes. That's not even mentioning whatever the skin grafts and burns looked like on his face, and the condition of the room they sat in. 

"Relax, Shouyou," Kenma told him, and Hinata could hear the tap of his fingernails against the plastic of the controller of his game as he picked it back up. "I get good reception in your house." Hinata almost snorted at the subtle confidence in Kenma's voice, and he laid back down with his hand cupped behind his head.

"So, how's everyone at Nekoma doing?" Hinata asked, and just like that, a steady conversation was born. Kenma answered his questions in a patient tone, and told stories of his school and team in a surprisingly detailed manner. When he left much later in the evening, saying he was staying with a relative, Hinata felt much lighter than before. 

Kenma came over for the next three days. Sometimes they would sit in silence for hours, but it was never awkward or strained, just pleasantly comfortable. It gave Hinata time to think, and with Kenma there, he didn't feel as alone. Kenma never asked him what happened, and Hinata was relieved, and it just made him all the more relaxed.

On the fourth day, when Kenma rose to stand with a stretch that popped his joints, he told Hinata: 

"You know, I'm leaving tomorrow morning. School is starting back up," Hinata frowned, and carefully maneuvered himself to stand as well. 

"Okay... well, thank you for coming, and stay with me," Hinata said rather bashfully, scratching the back of his neck. It made him so uncomfortable to not know where Kenma was standing, or what he was doing. His insecurities threatened to drown him as he imagined facing the wall instead of his friend. Kenma stepped closer, and Hinata felt himself flush as he realized Kenma was to the right of him. He turned and murmured an apology.

"Why are you apologizing?" Kenma asked, and Hinata thought that this had to be the first time he had ever heard Kenma sound confused about something. 

"I-I don't know, I just can't see you obviously so I can't face you and I really don't know I just feel stupid I guess-" 

"Shouyou," Kenma interrupted. "It's not your fault. I hate eye contact anyway so it really doesn't bother me."

"Oh, okay." 

Hinata stood there awkwardly. Kenma wasn't really a touchy-feely person, and he knew he'd make a fool out himself if he tried to hug him. 

There was the slight scratch of fabric, and Kenma's hand on his shoulder startled him so badly that he flinched. 

"Take care of yourself, Shouyou." 

Hinata wordlessly nodded, and turned his face down to the floor. Kenma's hand fell off his shoulder as he walked away. Hinata found he missed the pressure of it, missed the contact. He was still standing there, thinking of it, when Kenma walked down the stairs and left.

* * *

The days flew by. Hinata went to his sessions, and learned more tactics to help him navigate the ever-present darkness. He gradually worked himself up to ask his mother to help him clean his room, and started learning his home. He walked all over, tracing the walls, counting the steps it took to get from point A to point B, and walked up and down the stairs repeatedly, hand always clutched to the railing. 

He was doing everything he was supposed to, he was learning how to adjust, he was doing better. So why did he feel so utterly empty. So lost, and just useless. It frustrated him to no end, and the thoughts of Kageyama did not help.

Hinata would often replay their last conversation late at night, when the threat of nightmares loomed, and he couldn't sleep. It didn't fail to make him feel an overwhelming mixture of rage and guilt as he remembered the words the two of them exchanged. Hinata would wonder if the words he spat at Kageyama hurt the former setter as much as the ones Kageyama spat at him. A dark, nasty part of him hoped they did. 

But Hinata kept those sleepless nights to himself, and focused on relearning and adjusting. When his mother got him a new phone, saying "It's just like your old one, the same number and everything!", he shoved the feelings of hope and guilt down. He had smiled, but it was so forced, it had physically hurt to upturn the corners of his mouth. Hinata had gripped the small box in his hand as he slipped it into his pocket, ignoring his mother talking of apps and microphones that could help him use it.

All it did was remind him of a life he once had, a life filled with volleyball and purposes.

He had set it one his bedside table when he got home, and let it sit there, ignoring the faint buzz of text messages, and the occasional ringtone of a call. 

It wasn't until it was late at night, and his ringtone sang out, slicing through the quiet with it's loud, cheerful tone. Hinata jolted from the doze he had finally put himself in, and out of habit, sat up. He reached over, touched his hand to the wood, and carefully slid his fingers over the bedside table until he felt his phone. 

_End call is to the left_ , he told himself, pressing only once before all was silent again. Feeling faintly proud that he got it on the first try, he reached over to put the phone back down, only for it to start ringing once more. 

_What the hell_ , he thought, fervently wishing he could see who it was. He held it for a moment, before pushing end call. For maybe five seconds, all was quiet before his ringtone cut through the silence yet again. Feeling frustrated, Hinata finally went to hit the accept call button, only to miss and try again. He finally got it, lifted the phone to his ear, and hesitantly whispered:

"Who is this?"

"Oh my god, Hinata. Oh my god, hi," Sugawara's voice rushed over him in a whirlwind of panic, and was that fear? He sounded out of breath as well, and the audio kept cutting in and out in a woosh of air, as though Sugawara was pushing the phone out from his face before hurriedly bringing it back in. 

"Suga-san? Hi, what's going on, why are you calling me at, well I don't know what time it is, just why are you calling me?" Hinata gritted his teeth as yet another weakness revealed itself.

"I'm sorry, I know it's like three in the morning," Well, no wonder Hinata felt stupidly groggy and tired. "But I need your help, I'm on my way to your house now because well, I'm not sure if you know where this place is, but this is serious, Hinata, _I'm scared._ "

That definitely was fear in Sugawara's voice, and his voice sounded thick, as though he was close to tears. His reliable teammate, the one who was always so calm and ready for anything sounded as though he was scared for his life. The sound of it propelled Hinata to stand, and start making his way to his closet. 

"Suga-san, please tell me what's going on," Hinata whispered, and praying he pushed the right button, he set his phone down on the ground and started the hunt for a pair of shoes.

Sugawara's voice filled his room, and the rush of audio cutting in and out was more prominent on speaker.

"-texted me, and I don't know why, and it came so suddenly and it just doesn't feel right, Hinata, something is wrong with him. I'm so scared, oh my god. I can't, I think he's going to try to-,"

There was a sudden woosh of air that came out of the speaker, and cut off whatever Sugawara said. Hinata had finally found a pair of shoes. They had to be a size too small and he was fumbling with the laces as he tried to stuff his feet into them.

"Suga, I'll meet you outside my house, but where are we going, what happened? And where are you right now? Are you running, is that why the audio sounds so weird?" He whispered into the phone, cutting off whatever Sugawara was rambling about. 

"Yeah, I'm running I can't drive, and Hinata, I don't know what's up with him, I've never heard him like this, but I'm so scared Hinata I think he's gonna try-, I couldn't live with myself, we have to get there, I don't know how to get in touch with his mother, and you're the only person I know who could-"

Sugawara cut himself off, sounding as though he was struggling to breathe. 

Hinata finally had both feet in his shoes, and after pulling the laces as tight as they would go, he tucked them into the sides of the shoe. He was creeping down the stairs as fast as he dared, and he rushed out the front door.

He almost stumbled back as the sharp wind hit him like a shove. It seemed to bite into his skin as it sliced through his thin shirt with knives of ice.

For a moment, he panicked. He couldn't see where he was, it was so cold that his body was going numb, and he just _couldn't see_. 

Sugawara had stayed silent, and he could hear the rush of wind through the speaker as it mirrored the one that was rushing through his ears. Hinata gently took a step forward, before crouching down, and pressing his hands to the ground. 

_You are here, you are here, Suga-san needs you, you are here-_ He chanted to himself, squeezing his eyes shut. He took a slow, deep breath before standing once more. 

"Suga-san, where are you?" He asked, taking small steps forward. It should only be fifteen steps until he hits the sidewalk. He mentally counted, and had reached twelve before Sugawara took a deep breath. 

"I'm coming around the block now... ah, I think I see you Hinata-kun," Hinata refrained from retorting that he couldn't return that statement, and instead focused on straining his ears to listen for Sugawara's approaching footsteps. 

"Suga-san," Hinata started, his heart pounding. "Who are we trying to find?"

Sugawara was silent, the only sound coming from the speaker was his raspy breathing as he ran. 

"I know where he is, I know where to find him, we have to get there Hinata. He's going to-he's going to-" Suga's voice was rough, and it sounded like tears were finally falling as he choked up. 

Hinata switched ears, and gripped the phone like it was his lifeline. An anchor against the wind that had started tearing at him once more. He was glad his body was numb, the cold had been painful. He only wished his mind could be as well. 

"Suga-san, _who_ is it?"

He had an idea, he hated it, hated that he had a gut feeling. He wished he was wrong, wished that this was all some strange fever dream he'd wake from at any moment.

It wasn't until Hinata could finally hear Sugawara's faint footsteps pounding the concrete as Sugawara ran to him, that his teammate answered.

"Hinata... it's Kageyama."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I am so sorry for being so late with this chapter. It took me forever to accept it and 3 completely different drafts later, and I'm still not 100% happy with it. I wrote it first in Hinata's POV, then Kageyama's POV, then back to Hinata's. Completely scrapped the first two and wrote it from a brand new direction in Hinata's POV, which ended up being this chapter. 
> 
> So yeah. The struggles of writing lmao
> 
> As always, thank you for the love and support. I love reading the comments and the reactions, they make my day every single time. I had never expected that this work would get any viewings so it means so much to me that people are liking it. I appreciate you all so much. 
> 
> Hope you all are doing well!
> 
> Edit: If you got a notification that your comment was updated, please ignore it it was my comment that i went and updated to get my new username and profile pic to match:) promise i will actually keep the same one now lmao


	7. On the Edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Trigger Warning: Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts, Abuse]
> 
> Okay, this beginning is a little rough. The majority of the trigger warning is there because of it. If you would like to skip it, type Ctrl F, and type in "Kageyama. ~" in the box, exactly like that minus the ~. Or scroll to where you first see that. 
> 
> Another thing to mention, this is where the story talks about some pretty mature things, so just be warned.

The wind was a mindless drone in his ears, and rushed through his hair while pulling his jacket away from his body. Kageyama gazed out at the dark sea, numb as the ocean sprayed cold drops of water against his legs. He barely registered how cold he was, barely cared. His mind raced, and trying to discern what the specific thoughts were as they ran circles through his mind was tiring, and he just wanted them all to be quiet. 

The stars had been barely visible when he walked here, and as Kageyama turned his face to the sky, he could not see them. Something lumped in his throat at that, and that only managed to make him feel more pathetic than he already felt. 

Sighing, Kageyama let his head drop down, hanging low on his neck. His phone buzzed again in his pocket, and he let the ringtone fade away before pulling it out of his pocket and cutting it off without even seeing who it was. 

Turning his attention back to the open ocean, Kageyama closed his eyes. 

Instantly, he could see it. His father’s ruddy face screaming at him, the words clanging in his head over and over and as much as he tried to push them back, tried to forget them, he could not. 

_‘You are nothing. Do you hear me? Nothing but a fucking cripple with no potential. You’re so stupid, that you had to go do this to yourself and guess what?’_

Kageyama squatted down into a crouch, ignoring the squeak of the soles of his sneakers against the damp ground as his throat closed up. Something so strong was building inside of him that he could not breathe, could not focus as his own mind dragged him through the memories he longed to forget. 

_‘I have to fucking pay all these medical bills now, do you think I can do that? No! All you’re doing is putting stress on your own mother, and do you think she has time to deal with your depressed ass?’_

He hadn’t forced a black out on himself as his father screamed at him, no, it seemed that he couldn’t. When his father grabbed his collar, and slammed him against the wall, panic took control over Kageyama’s mind, and he grabbed his father’s arms as they pinned his shoulders flat against the wall. While he knew he got his height from his father, the man still stood taller than him. He was right in his face, and Kageyama felt his hair on the back of his neck stand straight up. 

_‘No, nobody cares Tobio. Nobody gives a shit about you, because you are nothing. Do you hear me? Huh?!’_

He had shook Kageyama, shaken him so hard that his head banged back against the wall. 

_‘Let go,’_ He had murmured, and gripped his father’s arm, trying to push it off of him. His father just pushed him back, and while one hand still clutched the collar of Kageyama’s shirt, the other closed around his throat. 

All thoughts went out of his head. His father was screaming at him, fiery red words of rage, but Kageyama couldn’t breathe, and couldn’t speak. He didn’t know what to do. His mother was grabbing on to his father’s elbow, trying to pull him off, but one shot to the face with an elbow, and she went down. 

_No, nobody cares Tobio. Nobody gives a shit about you, because you are nothing._

_Nothing._

_Nothing._

If his father shot words with blades of red flames, then Kageyama burned a fire that was bright blue. Who was his father to scream those things at him? Why? Rage filled his very veins, and propelled him to yank right out of his father’s grip, knee him in the stomach, and push him down. He bolted, throwing all the momentum he had into getting out. 

His father scrambled up behind him, and Kageyama’s heart felt like it was going to explode as the man chased right after him, screaming incoherent things. But it lightened significantly as the front door came into sight. 

_‘Just a couple more steps,’_ he had told himself. _‘Just a couple more, and he won’t come after you on the street, you can run, go to Sugawara’s-’_

He grasped the doorknob, and turned it-

Only to find it locked. 

Cursing, Kageyama fumbled with the lock, not glancing back, panic making his movements shaky and uncoordinated. He hated being this way, hated being so scared of a man who was supposed to love him-

A hand wrapped around his right arm, and Kageyama turned his head right in time to meet his father’s fist. 

He slid down, the pain stunning him, and when his father launched yet another attack, Kageyama finally slipped away into the depths of his mind. 

His father had never hit him before, had never laid a hand on him. So now, with his fists flying, Kageyama felt something in him break once again. Rage snarled like a lion in a cage, but panic and shock held his body still, arm clutching his head. 

Eventually it was over, and Kageyama just curled into himself, huddling towards the front door. His father scoffed, and turned and walked away, and Kageyama just laid there. He seemed unable to catch his breath, and tears slid down his eyes and over the bridge of his nose. 

And now, squatting down on the edge of the cliff, the crash of waves and the wind a roar in his ears, tears silently slid down once more. 

He took a shuddering breath and stood once more. His body ached, and parts of his face stung. The raging emotions inside of him tore too many holes in his being, and he was just tired of feeling. Tired of existing in a world that clearly did not want him here. 

His own father spat that he was nothing. Hinata would not speak to him, would never speak to him. Volleyball was gone. There was just nothing he could live for anymore. 

So maybe that was to be his new destiny. A life of being nothing, and never amounting to anything, all because karma caught up to him and slapped him where it hurt the most. Saying those things to Hinata… Kageyama had gotten up to Hinata’s face too, had shoved the boy down just like his own father did to him. Perhaps he deserved it, deserved this new hell. 

But he didn’t think he was strong enough to live through it anymore. 

Kageyama had already said his goodbyes, had texted Sugawara a quick thank you, and a message for Hinata. He wasn’t sure if Sugawara would put it together, but he was certain the silver-haired boy was not awake at this time. Nobody was coming for him. 

He sighed a little as the tears dried up, and took a gentle step forward. It sounded so easy, so nice to just step off this overhang, and let the crashing waves take him away. He wouldn’t fight it back, would let them take him down to the bottom. It would be so nice to have all the thoughts in his head silenced, perhaps he would finally at peace.

The hand that had been clinched in a tight fist finally relaxed, and with dull eyes, Kageyama took another step forward, the toe of his shoe barely over the edge. It was so narrow here at the end, he could fall either way, and the ocean would still take him. 

He gritted his teeth. Just another step. Kageyama stared down, stared at the black ocean, at the waves that slammed against the overhand, but he wasn’t really seeing them. The faces of his mother, his teammates flashed through his mind. The hand that had been so relaxed, began to shake. 

He shook his head. Just one more step, one more step and he could be free. One more step, one more-

“Kageyama.”

Kageyama whirled around so fast, he stumbled. He swung his arm in wide circles, and just barely regained his balance. Eyes widening to the point of where they hurt, and Kageyama started forward before stopping himself, unable to comprehend what he was seeing. 

Hinata stood directly in front of him, and from what Kageyama could make of his small form, it was shivering slightly. The boy was clad in just a t-shirt and shorts, and while his hands were relaxed, his arms were pushed away from his sides, and were stiffly straight. He was so out of place in the middle of the cold cliff, and all Kageyama could do was stare. 

“Kageyama,” Hinata said again, and Kageyama gasped as he took another step forward. The ground was so slick, it had been when Kageyama walked to the edge. One wrong step would send him plummeting down. 

“Hinata,” He whispered back, astonished and slightly afraid of what he was doing here. All of his thoughts narrowed down to one as Hinata snapped his face right towards Kageyama’s direction and took another step. 

Kageyama didn’t know what to do. Why was Hinata here, what happened? Did Kageyama die, and was this his eternal punishment? Panic was steadily building as he watched Hinata take another step that was so hesitant, but ultimately so unafraid. 

“Kageyama,” Hinata said again, his head turned back down as he stared at his shoes. “Kageyama, where are you?”

Kageyama was so used to being fractured, and so tired of feeling broken. But as Hinata said those words, in a voice that was so small and betrayed all of his fear… Kageyama finally felt as though he really was completely shattered. His tongue was lead in his mouth, and he felt so big and strange in his own body. 

He had come here to… to end it all. And now, this boy, with his bright orange hair sticking up, taking yet another step on the slick rocky cliff he could not even see… 

“Kageyama,” Hinata whispered yet again, inching forwards. “Kageyama, I can’t-” Hinata cut himself off, and took another brave step. He held his arm straight out in front of him, palm open and expecting. 

Kageyama moved before he even processed what he was doing. He grimaced as he picked his way around the dark rock, his back to the open ocean and the death he had been so prepared for. 

It wasn’t until he stood directly in front of Hinata, reminded yet again of just how short the boy was that, that he stopped. Hinata’s hand was still outstretched, and his brow furrowed as his mouth turned downwards. 

“Kageyama?” He said, and turned his face up. Kageyama could just barely make out his face, and something in him ached at the splash of angry red and the eyes that weren’t really seeing him. Kageyama swallowed and took the smallest step forward, so that Hinata’s palm rested right in the middle of his chest. Hinata’s touch was so feather-light, and so gentle as he curled his fingers around his shirt. 

It made Kageyama want to do a number of things, lay down and cry being one of them. 

But he was still scared, still so unsure and overwhelmed. 

“Hinata, why are you here?” 

The boy continued to stare at him, his mouth working, before slowly spreading into a small grin. It was nothing close to the shining smiles that would light up his whole face, but instead a small curl of his lips that still sung of mischief. 

“Well, I suppose you’ll have to come over and sit with me somewhere that definitely is not here in order to find out.” It was such a Hinata Shouyou response, such a tease of what life used to be, how their relationship had been, that Kageyama felt his own lips twitch up, even as his eyes stung. 

Hinata pulled his shirt, and began to walk back to where the cliff met solid ground, but was stopped, as Kageyama did not move at all.

His mind was still racing, and his hand shook, as he glanced again at the dark ocean, and the ultimate freedom it had. He could still go, still yank right out of Hinata’s grip and run right off the overhand and dive into the unforgiving ocean. It’d be so quick, so easy-

“Kageyama,” Hinata’s voice brought him back, and turning back to face him, Kageyama thought he sounded rather stern, albeit a bit sad as he said, “Kageyama, I can’t make my way back by myself,” Hinata’s voice got smaller as he worked through the sentence, and from what he could barely see, the tips of his ears were turning red. 

“Okay,” he whispered, voice so shaky. He gripped the boy’s shoulder, and began leading Hinata in the direction back. Every step felt like failure, and frustration was building under his skin. He wanted to free, he wanted to be out. But he knew as he glanced at the Hinata, who was quiet, he knew he could never leave Hinata stranded out here by himself. 

_The dumbass would trip and fall_ , Kageyama thought, anxiously trying to convince himself and wind himself down. _Even if he could see_. 

His core tightened as he gripped the back of Hinata’s shirt with his hand, his uneven balance making him even more nervous. It wasn’t until they were past the slick rock, and on smooth ground that Kageyama relaxed slightly. He let go of Hinata, who was standing there, his bent over head, and curled shoulders looking just as hesitant as Kageyama felt. Kageyama squinted at the boy, wishing he could see his face, as to read what he was thinking. 

The air around them grew tense, and Kageyama stared at the ground, unsure of what to do or say. He was confused, and his hand refused to stop shaking, even after he shoved it in his pocket. 

“Are you okay?” Hinata asked, his blunt tone throwing Kageyama off. 

_That’s not how it used to be_ , Kageyama thought, bemused. _I’m supposed to be the moody one, the asshole._

“Yeah,” He said out loud, and turned his gaze to Hinata’s form, which he could just barely make out in the gray light that had begun to appear. 

Hinata turned to him, and crossed his arms. 

“Really? ‘Cause your breathing is super uneven, and you keep messing with your jacket,”

Kageyama flushed, and was more than a little impressed that Hinata could hear that. But he was fine, he didn’t do anything did he? No matter that his body ached, and his soul was a little fractured and bruised. Hinata didn’t need to know that.

“Well glad you’re still as stupid as ever, cause those things definitely mean nothing.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, now can you tell me why you are out here, in this weather, in shorts and a t-shirt?”

“As soon as you tell me what the hell you’re doing on the edge of a soaking wet cliff while the wind is blowing ninety miles per-fucking-hour.”

Kageyama gritted his teeth. 

“I don’t remember it being any of your business, dumbass,” He shot back at him, hand shaking even more. He didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to ever be vulnerable ever again. He had made his peace, he was so ready to let go, but this asshole had come along and messed everything up. 

Hinata took a step forward, so now he was closer to Kageyama, and turned his head. Kageyama wished he hadn’t, as the gray light illuminated Hinata’s face, and Kageyama could read all the varying emotions that flickered across. 

Kageyama never was very good at reading people, never really seemed to get a clue, or understand their motives on a deeper level. Hinata Shouyou though… for some reason Kageyama could read him like a book, open and clear. 

There was anger in the way his mouth curled down, and the way his lips pressed tightly against one another. Frustration in the small tick in his jaw. And sadness. Such raw, aching sadness that lined the corners of Hinata’s wide, unseeing eyes. 

Kageyama swallowed, and Hinata’s eyes narrowed. 

“It became my business when I got a phone call from Suga-san at three in the morning saying you were in trouble,” While Hinata’s hard gaze wasn’t quite on Kageyama’s face, Kageyama still looked away. “It became my business, Kageyama, hell it’s been my business since the accident,” 

“I don’t care. You said yourself that you never wanted to hear from me again, that you-”

“Oh my god, so are you going to tell me you don’t remember your last words to me before, before this all happened?”

Kageyama went silent, his heart thundering in his chest. Of course he did. He thought about those words, and all the other ones they spoke, all the time.

“‘I never want to see you ever again. You can go die in a hole for all I care,’” Hinata quoted, his voice so harsh, so unlike him. Kageyama winced, and squeezed his hand. “I think that makes us even,”

“Well, it’s not like I meant it-”

“Oh, shut up Kageyama, we both knew you did, besides-”

“You told the team. You told them all, and I wasn’t ready for them to know yet, and you fucking went ahead and let them all know-”

“And you turned around and _outed me_ ,” Hinata shouted over Kageyama’s rising voice, and Kageyama felt his face crumple. “You outed me, you fucking liar.”

“You-”

“Yeah, don’t even try to make any excuses. I told you all those things because I thought I could trust you, and all you did was throw it right back in my face like some sort of sick joke, and in front of the entire fucking team,” 

Kageyama’s face snapped right back up and he moved even closer to Hinata and grabbed his collar, pulling his face up to his. 

“You did that to me next, don’t even put yourself on a fucking pillar. Besides, you-

“You were already lying to them about one thing, I figured you might as well come clean about something else,” Hinata spat the words, and his face was so hard and cold as he grabbed Kageyama’s collar as well.

Kageyama stiffened and went to push Hinata’s hand off of him, only to find Hinata’s grip unmovable. His heart rate seemed to shift into overdrive, and a familiar panic began to clench at his throat while nausea rolled in his stomach.

“Trying to run away from it, Kageyama?” Hinata breathed, “Trying to run away again?” 

“Let go,” Kageyama murmured, and every breath seemed to grow harsher. He didn’t know why he was freaking out, wasn’t sure why he was acting that way. Hinata blinked in surprise, and let go. Kageyama backed away a few steps, before sitting down with a thud. 

He was so focused on trying to regain his breath, struggling to stay out of his own head and remind himself that it was all over, that he didn’t realize Hinata sat next to him until his small hand was on Kageyama’s shoulder. 

“You are here,” Hinata said, and if Kageyama didn’t know any better, he would say he sounded concerned. “You are here with me, not wherever your mind is taking you,” As he spoke, his hand moved down Kageyama’s shoulder, over his bicep and forearms, to where his hand lay clenched in his lap. He gently lifted it up and placed it on the ground. “See? Here with me.”

Hinata became silent, and Kageyama painfully tore himself from the memories and slammed himself back to the present. 

They sat there, Hinata’s hand still covering Kageyama’s, pressing it into the damp grass. The roar of the waves crashing was the only sound, and Kageyama closed his eyes against the light that was slowly getting brighter. The sun was going to come up soon, and all that seemed to do was remind Kageyama of the plan he had failed to go through with. He tore his eyes away and turned to look at Hinata instead, who was fixated staring straight into it.

“You’re looking at me,” Hinata said abruptly and turned his head in Kageyama’s direction. 

“Sorry, didn’t realize that was illegal,” Kageyama snapped back, and immediately regretted it. Hinata snorted, and picked his hand up, leaving Kageyama’s in the grass. Kageyama looked at it for a moment, the top of his hand feeling awfully bare. 

“I can hear it,” Hinata said softly. “You must be wearing the team jacket, because you can hear the fabric like,” He paused, searching for the right word. “It like, swooshes, or like swishes? I don’t really know how to describe it.” 

They fell silent once more, and a small sliver of the sun had poked through the horizon before Kageyama took a deep breath. 

“Look, Hinata-”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now,” Hinata interrupted, and Kageyama noticed his hands grip into the grass, tearing up a few stalks. 

“But-”

“No. I want to talk about why you came here. Suga-san was freaked out-”

"I don’t want to talk about it right now,” Kageyama spoke over him, not feeling an ounce of guilt for throwing the words Hinata just spoke back at him. 

Hinata fell quiet after that, and the first ray of sunlight had just beamed

“Kageyama,” Hinata asked, so hesitant compared to how he was just speaking. Kageyama waited for him to continue, and when he didn’t he said:

“What?” 

“What time is it?” 

Kageyama was a bit taken aback. He opened his mouth to tell Hinata to look at his own goddamn phone before realizing-

 _I really am the worst fucking person_ , he thought glumly, before sliding his phone out of the pocket of his jacket, and cutting it back on. 

“Give me a sec, I shut it down,” He told Hinata, who was back to staring at the sky. The slivers of sunlight that had risen from it’s bed of the horizon struck his hair, and Kageyama had never seen something so bright and colorful. It was so different from the bleak grey of Hinata’s eyes, how glazed and dull they looked. Kageyama tore himself from his thoughts, and glanced down to his phone, which had finally powered up. 

“5:32,” Kageyama said, suddenly immersed. Sugawara had blown up his phone, with about twelve missed calls and twenty-six messages. Guilt curdled in his stomach as he briefly glimpsed at some of the messages. 

“Looking at all the calls Suga-san made?” 

Kageyama glanced at Hinata, who had not moved. He didn’t reply, unsure of what to say. It seemed so right, and he would be a liar if part of him still didn’t long to jump and leave this world behind. 

“He was so scared, Kageyama,” Kageyama gritted his teeth once more. 

“Were you?”

He looked at Hinata, who, on first glance, looked to be in a relaxed position. With his bare legs spread out in front of him, and with his head tilted back with his eyes closed, anyone would believe Hinata was at peace. But as Kageyama watched him, watched his best friend, the boy he had slowly grown up with, a small tear escaped from the corner of his eye and drifted down his cheek. 

“Hinata…” 

“Just shut up Kageyama. God, you’re always yelling at me to do that, and now _you_ are the one who won’t get off of _my_ ass,” 

Kageyama frowned. 

“Hinata, that made like no sense.”

“Only because you’re dumb.” 

“Shut up, you dumbass.” 

“See?”

Kageyama felt the tiny corner of his mouth quirk up for the second time that morning, and it felt just as strange and foreign as the first time. It was so easy to fall back into their bantering, so easy to forget that they weren’t sitting here, lost and broken. 

“So what do we do now?” Hinata asked, sniffing as he turned his face towards Kageyama, with a sigh. 

Kageyama yawned before responding. 

“I don’t know,” 

Hinata snorted. 

“Of course you don’t.” 

Kageyama cut him a glare, then realizing what he did, he turned back and fiddled with the grass. 

“Is the sun up all the way yet?” Kageyama looked up, and saw the sun stretched about halfway over the sea-level, spreading rays of pink and orange across the sky. 

“Close,” He told Hinata, who had opened his eyes. Hinata didn’t respond, and his head had tilted a little to the left. 

When the sun rose completely above sea level, Kageyama told Hinata, who made to stand, saying he’ll walk Kageyama home. With a sinking heart, and exhausted body, Kageyama told him no, that he’d stay. It was only after Hinata went completely quiet that Kageyama remembered he should’ve been the one to take Hinata home. With rosy cheeks and feeling completely stupid, Kageyama opened his mouth, only for Hinata to plop right back down. 

“It’s not like I have anything to do,” He told Kageyama. 

They lounged around the cliff for the majority of the morning, the cold wind easing to cool breeze. Kageyama liked to watch it dance through Hinata’s hair, lifting it up and around his face. Said boy was abnormally quiet, and just sat there with him. 

They barely spoke, but the silence was welcome to Kageyama, who used it to lay back and think. Think of their most recent argument, and the one that had landed them in this whole situation. 

He must’ve drifted off at some point, because when he woke, the sun had begun to drift back down to the horizon. Hinata laid beside him, eyes open as he stared upwards. 

“Hinata,” Kageyama said, wincing as the words scratched at his dry throat. “Sorry, I guess I’ll walk you home,” Hinata turned his face towards Kageyama, and Kageyama blinked at the starling contrast of the orange against green. 

“I’d rather not go back right now,” He told Kageyama, voice cool and steady. Kageyama blinked slowly at him. “I think I’ll stay here with you, unless you need to go back.”

“No, no it’s fine. Just let me know.” Hinata was quiet for a moment, before asking;

“Did something happen?”

It was almost an instant. The flash of the memories of flying fists, screaming faces, and the raw panic that grabbed Kageyama’s throat and squeezed his stomach. 

“No, I… I just can’t be there right now,” He finished his sentence in a tight voice. Hinata nodded, and returned to his gaze of staring up at the sky. 

They laid there in complete silence, and Kageyama dozed in and out, floating through the time with bundles of memories, thoughts, and emotions that he worked to unpack and digest. 

The fight before the accident replayed through Kageyama’s head every night, the words he threw at Hinata like they were daggers. But perhaps recent events had triggered something deeper, because as Kageyama dove into the memory, it seemed to play in perfect quality in his mind. 

* * *

“You want to talk about me lying, how about you go ahead and tell them huh? Go ahead and tell Yamaguchi how you think of him, tell him just how attractive you find him,”

Hinata’s face was a ghostly white, his mouth slightly agape. Tears were welling in his eyes, and the pain was so present that it almost made Kageyama stop. Almost. 

“And while you’re at it, just go ahead. Go get with him, just like you got with Kenma, before you got fucking dumped a week later? Of course you did, you faggot whore.”

He didn’t mean them, regretted them as soon as they left his mouth. He had twisted the truth in a sharp dagger and had thrown it to wound. He didn’t mean to go that far, he just wanted to expose Hinata, make him feel as vulnerable as Kageyama now felt. He just hadn’t realized that to dig something up about Hinata, who was always so open when it came to how he was feeling, he’d have to strike deep and hard. 

Hinata’s face hardened into something that was cold, and unfeeling. Dachi was stepping next to him, a hand on his shoulder, murmuring something. Hinata pushed him away, and strode right in front of Kageyama. 

“I think it’s so funny, so funny that you have the audacity,” Hinata hissed in his face, “The fucking audacity to sit here and call me a faggot, when you aren’t far from one yourself, are you Kageyama? At least I pretend, and at least I keep my eyes to myself. No, go ahead and never talk about any of the girls. Keep looking at us in the locker room, you really think we don’t notice?”

Kageyama's face burned so bright, he was surprised he didn’t light up right then and there, and explode. He turned, turned to walk away, walk out the gym and never look back. Maybe bury himself somewhere he could never be found. Sugawara was saying something, but it all was a hum in his ears. 

Hinata grabbed the back of his sleeve, and pulled him back with a strength Kageyama didn’t realize he had. 

“You’re running away because it’s true isn’t it?” Hinata snarled in his face. “Because I’m right, and you are just as bad as I am. No, worse. At least I can act on my feelings, all you can do is stare at boys you can’t have, and jerk off to the fucking idea of them once you get home.”

A pin could’ve dropped, and the sound would’ve echoed through the gym. Sugawara and Dachi gazed at the two of them with wide eyes, shocked. Yamaguchi didn’t seem to be breathing, and that had to be the most agitated Tsukishima had ever looked. Kageyama didn’t turn to look at Nishinoya, Tanaka, and Asahi, but he was certain they were just as shell-shocked. 

Kageyama snapped. He grabbed Hinata by his shoulders and shoved the boy away, hard. Hinata stumbled and fell back, landing on his ass, dazed. Kageyama could care less. All he saw was red as he pulled Hinata back up by the collar of his shirt, and slapped him hard across the face. 

Sugawara was instantly there, pulling at Kageyama’s shirt, trying to get him away, as the rest of the team seemed glued to the floor. Kageyama pushed him back, and got right back into Hinata’s face. 

“Maybe so,” he hissed, relishing in Hinata’s pale face. “But at least I never sent nudes to the first guy that showed me any sort of affection,” He shoved him back down and went to hit him again, anger still pounding through his head and erasing all other rational thoughts. But Hinata twisted out from underneath his grasp, and ran out of his gym like his life depended on it.

Kageyama stood there for a moment, and made to run right after him, the potential consequences of his actions catching up to him as his anger faded and guilt and panic took its place. Sugawara grabbed him before he could, and Dachi was there too, a thick arm wrapping around his torso. 

Kageyama thrashed, the various emotions coursing through his mind making him unable to think straight.

“Kageyama, calm the fuck down,” Sugawara yelled right in his ear. “Get a grip, c’mon.”

He managed to twist out of both of their grasps, only to run and find Dachi grab him once more. This time, Dachi had him pinned, his back to Dachi’s chest. Kageyama panted for a moment, and he was sure he looked crazy, sure he was acting the damn fool. But he didn’t care, he had to go after him. 

“Suga,” He gasped, meeting his senior’s eyes. “Suga-san, I didn’t mean it, I have to, Suga-san, I have to go after him, I have to set this right, Suga, _please_ ,”

Sugawara gazed at him, expression hard and unreadable. He looked past Kageyama, and at Dachi. An unspoken conversation seemed to flow between the two, and Sugawara stepped closer to Kageyama. 

“Don’t play with fire,” Sugawara warned him, eyes unflinching and cold. He nodded to Dachi, who released Kageyama, and without looking back, Kageyama took off into the night. 

* * *

Kageyama closed his eyes, as they had been staring openly at the falling sun. He sighed, and gazed at the boy sitting next to him. 

Somewhere along his path of recollection, the atmosphere between them had grown tense. 

“Hinata,” Kageyama began. “How can you talk to me? How can you even bear it?

Hinata sighed and closed his eyes. Kageyama paused, and continued. 

“I said some really horrible things,” He whispered, curling his legs into himself and wrapping his arm around them. 

Hinata sighed once more. 

“So did I. We both fucked up pretty bad. We are pretty fucked up.” He stated in the new blunt tone of his. “Look, I talked to my therapist about this. We agreed that me and you fucked up in equal amounts, and when that happens, it’s okay to take a step back and have a conversation when the time is right.

“And I don’t think now is the time,” Hinata finished, jaw hard and set. Kageyama knew there was no convincing him otherwise, and maybe Hinata wasn’t ready for the lengthy conversation they were bound to have at some point. If only for the closure it would bring. 

“Okay,” He said. “When you’re ready, I’m ready.” When he glanced at Hinata, he saw relief bounce quickly across his face.

“And yeah, this is all definitely fucked up,” Kageyama continued, hoping to break the tense atmosphere. Hinata snorted before shooting him a little side-eye smirk. 

“You are just now figuring that out? Gosh, Kageyama, you really are stupid.”

“Shut up, dumbass.”

The banter continued for another minute or so, before they fell into a peaceful tranquility. 

Kageyama walked Hinata home that night, saying a quick, awkward goodbye at his front door. On his way back to his house, Kageyama began to steel himself against whatever would happen once he stepped through the door. 

It wasn’t until he was safe in his room, his parents nowhere to be found, and laying in his bed, that Kageyama finally relaxed. His mind was abuzz, but he closed his eyes and pushed it all back. He fell asleep thinking of tomorrow, finding it surreal that a day ago, tomorrow hadn’t even been an option. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you are here right now, thank you. 
> 
> IMPORTANT STATEMENT: In my little AU, I am aging up the character a bit, so that Kageyama is 16 (turning 17 very soon) and Hinata is 17. I'm pretty sure in the anime/manga, they both begin their first year at 15 and turn 16. For obvious reasons, I'm not entirely comfortable with pushing all of the stuff that you find out has happened/stuff that will happen onto 15-16 year olds. I get that this doesn't match up to the anime/manga, or how school systems work in real life and I apologize, but hey. This is a AU. And for the sake of keeping the entire cast of Haikyuu!!... sorry not sorry I couldn't write something without Suga in it. 
> 
> Okay, back to me pointlessly rambling. 
> 
> So sorry this chapter was late. I'm not 100% happy with it for reasons you can read below, so if you reread this story and find some things edited/changed around, that is why. 
> 
> This chapter was really hard to write, on many different levels. Like last chapter, I wrote two separate drafts in both Kageyama's and Hinata's perspective and was super indecisive in deciding which one I thought flowed better. Not to mention, it deals with some pretty heavy topics that were very difficult to work through and write about. 
> 
> I also got hella sidetracked. The night I was supposed to finish my first draft of what I wanted to publish, I read "In Another Life" by LittleLuxray, and oh my god did I sob my freaking eyes out. It's a Bokuka Hospital AU and just, wow. Only two other pieces of literature have ever made me cry like that, and a fanfic has never even come close to how hard I sobbed. So that happened. And then when I was a page or two away from finishing the final draft, I decided to finish "the certain things we lack" by deanpendragon and yet again, I was just sucked in and could not stop reading. So blame these amazing writers for creating such beautiful pieces of work for my tardiness. 
> 
> OKAY DIVING INTO THE STORY: I know it might be a little confusing right now. All will be revealed in due time ;) Also, the angst is pretty heavy I know. Promise promise PROMISE there will be plenty of fluff in the future. 
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading, I appreciate each and every one of you. Hope you are having a good day/night, and I'll get the next chapter up ASAP!


	8. Therapy Near a Bakery

It was safe to say that Hinata got little sleep that night. Even though his eyelids dragged down, and his body remained still, his mind was incredibly restless. He kept hearing Kageyama’s voice, over and over again. He must’ve watched Kageyama more than he thought, because with each subtle change in tone in Kageyama’s voice, he could clearly see the resulting facial features in his head. 

_‘Hinata, why are you here?’_ Hinata hadn’t missed the sharp jabs of accusation, nor the fear that had lingered in every syllable. Hinata had wondered that himself, for all of a minute, before realizing that it was stupid to. No matter that Kageyama said those things before the accident, or that their relationship laid in pieces. He just wasn’t going to let Kageyama go like that. Hinata told himself that it was for purely selfish reasons, that he and Kageyama still had to resolve their conflicts before Kageyama could do any of that. That then, Hinata wouldn’t care as much. He wouldn’t feel the overwhelming presence of guilt that threatened to crush him into nothing. 

Guilt was a powerful thing. It had certainly propelled him to run as fast as he could, even as Sugawara fell a stride behind him. The older boy had certainly been surprised when he saw Hinata for the first time, but Hinata just turned away from his stammering questions and told him that he would have to run on the edge of the sidewalk closest to the road. Sugawara had straightened up, and they took off. 

Sugawara had told him in between stammering gasps of breath what had happened. How he had just got off the phone with Daichi, how he had crawled into bed and was close to sleep when his phone went off with a buzz, and lit up the room with the alert. Sugawara had gotten up to put the phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’, and that’s when he saw the text message. 

“I was so confused,” He told Hinata. “I texted him back, and when he wouldn’t respond, I got worried. I called him a bunch too, and when he wouldn’t pick up, that’s when I left to come get you.” 

Sugawara hadn’t said anything after that, there were no questions about where Hinata had been, what had happened. He didn’t try to discuss the events of that last night in the gym, and didn't offer any words of placation. 

Hinata had stayed silent as well, gritting his teeth as he had focused on keeping his stride the same. It had been such an odd experience to run without seeing, but Sugawara’s presence had been enough to keep him on the track. Every time the boy started to lean into him, Hinata knew to turn, and if his senior slowed, he knew something was in the way, and waited for Sugawara’s quiet instructions. It frustrated him to no end, and he couldn’t help but think that if he could just _see_ , he would’ve been there by now. The tang of fear in the back of his throat was suffocating him, and all he wanted was to have it relieved. 

It only grew as they got closer, and when Sugawara suddenly stopped, Hinata stumbled forward a few more steps and barely caught himself from falling forward. He ignored Sugawara’s mumbled apology, and just asked:

“Where is he?”

Sugawara was silent for a moment, and Hinata could feel his eyes on him. 

“Suga-san, we don’t have time for this, where is he?” He could hear the desperation growing in his own voice, but he didn’t care. He turned, ready to walk to where he knew there was a small cluster of trees that hid the overhang. He was racking his brain, trying to remember from the last time he was here just how far it was, when Sugawara finally spoke. 

“Just-just stay here, I’ll go get him, and then you two can talk-”

“No,” Hinata interrupted, feeling slightly abashed that he spoke over him. “No, it has to be me, I can do it. He’ll freak out if it’s anyone else,” A little surprised at how confident he felt in that statement, Hinata continued. “I just need you to tell me how far away I am.” Sugawara was silent again, and Hinata could physically feel the way his anxiety was vibrating the air around them. The boy took a deep breath. 

“Yeah, I think you’re right. Just keep walking straight and-” Hinata was already moving forward, and Sugawara had cursed and stumbled after him. A sudden thought flashed through Hinata’s mind, and he turned suddenly, smacking right into Sugawara. He murmured an apology before voicing his thoughts. 

“As soon as I get him, I’ll give you some sort of sign, okay? I think it’d be best if you left after,” Hinata winced at how his words sounded; they reminded him of when he was invited to something and then suddenly told he wasn’t anymore. Sugawara didn’t seem to take it that way, but he stiffened all the same. 

“But-”

“Just trust me,” Hinata interrupted once more, knowing he probably looked like the blind idiot he sounded like. 

Sugawara didn’t say anything, and Hinata heard the crunch of leaves under his shoes as he stepped back. Hinata didn’t wait for him to change his mind, and walked straight into the unknown. 

It had been worse than he thought. Kageyama’s empty, vulnerable voice had thrown him completely off guard, and it had brought up so many different emotions. Confused, Hinata had tried to stuff them all down and throw them out, but it was like throwing them all into a fire fueled by guilt had melded them into a sword of rage. He had ignored it for as long as possible, until Kageyama’s voice was back to it’s normal, brusque manner, and he felt it would be okay to wield that sword, that Kageyama wasn’t out there for the reasons Sugawara had assumed. 

Hinata twisted the sheets as he inwardly cringed at himself for not being able to read the situation better. Sure, he could blame it all on the differences between the two of them, but he knew that would not be fair. They were opposites in every way, what was one more? 

Kageyama’s attack had been so much quieter than Hinata’s, so quiet that until Hinata snapped out of the rage that had clouded his other senses, he had not understood what had caused the boy’s fierce arguing to come to an abrupt stop. 

He had recognized the symptoms all the same; Kageyama’s breathing had been far too ragged, and Hinata would have guaranteed that his eyes were wide and unfocused. But it had come on so quickly.. Hinata supposed he couldn’t judge as his did too, but for Kageyama’s to be so silent… The rapid pulse Hinata had felt through his wrist and the sheen of sweat on his skin despite the cool weather, just confirmed it. Hinata had swallowed the guilt, and tried to help him as best he could. 

As Kageyama calmed himself down, Hinata had reflected on what was said and done. Now certainly wasn’t the time, Hinata had done something to affect Kageyama on a deeper level to trigger an attack, and Hinata would be damned if he was going to do it again. 

Even now, Hinata still continued to curl into himself. The tug between what he considered to be the blame for this entire accident seemed to continually flick back and forth. It was so easy to pin everything on Kageyama, but Hinata knew he had to take some acknowledgement. His therapist seemed to know that as well, and who was to blame was a consistent conversation topic at their sessions. 

But even still… Hinata could still remember the rush of mortification through his body, the heat that had flared up in his cheeks and ears, and insistent throbbing in his head that seemed to drown out everything else. That mortification had been to morph into pain and anger, and violent words had been spewing out of his mouth before he could stop them. 

Kageyama’s face was the only one he could remember as clearly as he did, if only because the pain and anguish that had stood out prominently was etched in Hinata’s mind. Kageyama may have his walls, but he was human, and when he was upset, Hianta had learned that Kageyama’s walls came crashing down, if only to let out the pain and anger the boy felt. They had certainly crumbled easily enough as they had argued in the gym, but it was the way Hinata watched them build right back up the longer they shouted at one another, that he knew he went too far. That, and the ways Kageyama had not hesitated to throw everything Hinata had told him right back in his face. 

Hinata had started grieving then and there, because the boy who threw Hinata’s mishaps right back at him… there had been nothing in him that Hinata recognized. It couldn’t have been the same boy who had listened to Hinata panic, and told him with soft eyes that it would be okay. 

Hinata bit the inside of his cheek as he thought about all the things Kageyama had said during their fight. He couldn’t help but feel as though some of it was true; the part about Kenma certainly was, and he twisted further in his sheets, hoping that by burying his face in his pillow, he could bury that whole mess down as well. 

He had been in such a vulnerable place at that time, and Kenma definitely didn’t influence him to do anything. No, Kageyama was right with what he had said. Hinata had been desperate, confused, and so utterly hurt by something he hadn’t even understood. He still didn’t fully understand, but like a puzzle, the pieces were steadily falling in place with each new piece of information he gathered from talking with Kageyama and his therapist. He wanted nothing more than chuck that puzzle at a wall; it’d be so much easier to disrupt all those pieces before he could see the full picture. 

Letting out a loud sigh, Hinata rolled over to his back. His eyes opened, but of course, he was stuck seeing the same thing as always: _nothing_. A tiny flutter of hope blundered it’s way into his mind as he thought of how earlier he had made out the rising of the sun, how the light turned his ever-present nothing into the darkest amber. It wasn’t everything back, but at least it was something. 

Hinata drifted off into that something, and watched as his dreams dragged him into places he didn’t wish to remember, but that he could at least see. 

* * *

Hinata spent another two days clammed up in his room, before his mother came to take him to his weekly session. He purposefully spent as long as possible ‘picking out his outfit’, before she finally snapped at him that he matched, and _“Could they please leave now?”_

They rode there in his mother’s car that shook as they climbed down the hill that led to his house. Hinata always found that he gripped his shirt a little tighter when they did, and if his mother noticed, she never commented. Hinata had voiced on many occasions that car rides were a weird experience for him, so perhaps that’s what she thought it was. Maybe he also looked as queasy as he felt. 

He had never been one to get carsick, but without something to see, something to ground himself to, Hinata found that riding in a car made him nauseous and rather uneasy for the next hour. He could feel the way the car rumbled beneath his feet, and every unpredictable turn and swerve had his stomach clenching with anxiety. He had talked with his therapist on many occasions about it, in fact, it was Hinata’s favorite thing to fall back on if she pushed him a little too far on certain topics. 

Eventually they got there, and Hinata refrained from slapping away the hand his mother placed on his back to guide him. He had counted the steps leading into the therapist’s office, he could do it. But it gave him an excuse to keep his head down, even though he couldn’t block what his ears heard, and what he could feel. 

For the eyes that stared burned holes that he felt like small pricks and raised the hairs on the back of his neck; everything whispered underneath bated breath sliced at his self-image. Hinata had never been truly confident in what he looked like before the accident, but if what all these people seemed to stare at was truly that bad… Hinata resisted the urge to fold into himself, and stood as tall as he could with his head down. 

“Mommy, mommy,” It was the voice of a very young girl, somewhere in front of him. They must be waiting in line for the receptionist. Hinata imagined that she was tugging insistently at her mother’s jacket, trying to get her attention. “Mommy, that boy has a weird, wrinkly red thing on his face, look,” 

The woman must’ve looked up, because her audible gasp that she tried and failed to suck back in was like a knife in Hinata’s ear. He flinched a little, and his mother’s grip on the back of his shirt tightened. _Speak up_ , Hinata slightly begged her, his voice caught in the back of his throat. _Speak up, tell her what’s wrong with me. Speak up, and tell her to stop_ **_staring_ ** _._

But his mother did no such thing, and Hinata’s face burned as the girl’s mother told her to stop looking. 

Checking in and walking down the hallway was a relief, as Hinata finally felt as though he was away from all the harsh gazes. He focused all of his efforts on counting the steps it took, ignoring his mother as she told him where she’ll meet him once she was done with her errands, and how she’ll be a couple minutes late. He walked right into his therapist’s office without turning back to her, and counted the steps so that only thirty seconds later, he was plopping down on the couch he liked to sit at as they talked. His mother gave a short, but polite greeting, and excused herself. 

“Good morning, Hinata-kun,” His therapist said, her chair squeaking as she turned to face him. She was sitting behind a large desk, the one Hinata had sat in front of her the very first time he came here. 

He gave a little bow of his head. 

“Good morning, Sasaki-san,” His therapist snorted a little at the formality, but as she continued to speak, Hinata could detect little notes of concern in her voice. 

“Hinata-kun, have we not been over this? I thought I told you that it was alright to use my given name. Using my surname and attaching san at the end makes me feel so old.” Hinata felt himself relaxing at her playful tone, and listened to her stand and make her way over to where she would sit across from him. 

For obvious reasons, Hinata had never seen his therapist, but from the way her feet seemed to slide across the floor, and the way she sat gracefully in the armchair, Hinata imagined she was thin, young, and rather tall. He listened as the slight swish of fabric across fabric indicated she had now crossed one leg over the other. 

“Yes, we have, but it makes me feel young,” Sasaki gave little outcry of disbelief, and Hinata felt the corners of his mouth twitch up. He supposed some might find their relationship to be rather odd, as it was nothing like the formal relationship a doctor should have with their patients. But Hinata found that it made him feel as normal as possible, like he was just chatting with a friend. 

“Well then,” Sasaki continued. “What should we talk about today?” 

Hinata shrugged in response. Typically, he would bring something up that happened in the time between their last session and the present, but today he felt too tired and overwhelmed. He tilted his head down, and felt the fabric beneath him. Soft leather, almost as though this couch had been here for a long time. 

“How about the new phone your mother got you?” She prompted, her voice growing a little soft. Hinata could imagine her eyebrows coming together in an expression of worry, and her hands clasping together over her crossed legs. He wondered what color her hair was. “Was adjusting to it alright?” 

Hinata shrugged once more. He hadn’t exactly used it, other than answering that call from Sugawara. He cleared his throat anyway, and sat up straighter. 

“Yeah, it’s been nice,” Was all he said. His therapist hummed in response, and Hinata could feel her eyes settle on him. He shifted a little, and wrung his hands together. Words he was dying to speak bounced at the tip of his tongue, but he was rather hesitant. But it wasn’t this her job? But what if he told her, and she called Kageyama’s parents? Wait, how would she even know them? She shouldn’t… but what if she did? 

“Did something happen Hinata-kun?” Sasaki’s gentle voice interrupted the violent swarm of thoughts, and that’s all it took for Hinata to let out a groan and slide down so that his head was resting on the top of the couch.

“Yes,” He murmured, bringing his hands up to massage his face. “I realized how deep in shit I am.” Sasaki was quiet, but Hinata heard her rustle around at her feet, and with the faint click of a pen, he realized she had gotten out her notebook. 

“I just- I don’t even know at this point. He’s so confusing and messed up, and I’m confused and messed up, and everything is just confusing and messed up,” Sasaki hummed a little in response, and he only knew she looked up at him by the way her pen paused its scratching across the paper.

“And who did you go talk to?” Hinata hesitated for a moment, before the desire to get everything off of his chest over rode all of his fears, and he told Sasaki everything that had happened. She was quiet, humming in the appropriate spots, her pen scribbling and scratching on the paper more than it typically did. 

“So yeah,” Hinata sank deeper on the couch before anxiously jolting back up. “Please don’t tell my mother, and oh my god, Sasaki-san please don’t tell anyone about Kageyama.” His therapist snorted, and Hinata could practically hear the smile on her lips as she reassured him. 

“You see there’s this thing I like to use called Patient-Doctor Confidentiality,” She started and Hinata huffed a small laugh. “In all seriousness though, I will not tell, if only because it sounds like he was calmed down, and is in no danger to hurt himself. However, if this happens again, I am going to have to report it to the appropriate authorities, for his own safety.” Hinata nodded, a knot of anxiety forming in the pit of his stomach. 

“I just feel so terrible about it,” He said, wringing his fingers. “I didn’t even recognize he was having a attack until I had already said those things, and I know I hate them because they suck, but-” 

“Hinata-kun, panic and anxiety attacks are not something that come in cookie-cutters. They differ in every single person. It is very normal and natural for Kageyama to have different attacks than you. And that’s not just the attack itself; the triggers are going to vary as well. From what I’ve observed in you, your panic attacks often trigger from a sort of mental-overload. You overthink, and it’s almost as though-”

“Ah alright, alright Sasaki-san. You can psycho-analyze me another time, can we go back to Kageyama?” Sasaki laughed at that, but if Hinata had to guess from the way she shifted in her seat, she was observing him with concern written all in her eyes. _Brown eyes_ , Hinata thought, _I bet she has brown eyes._

“Anyways, it seems that Kageyama may have been triggered by a physical action. But honestly, Hinata-kun? As you and I have learned, panic attacks vary in so many different forms that it would be rather tedious to try and pick at all the things that could have triggered them. All we can do is take precautions, and learn ways to help ourselves through them. 

And I do believe that you handled that situation as best as you could. The tension between the two of you was unavoidable, and you should be proud that you recognized when the argument went too far and stopped and told him to wait for another time. It sounds as though Kageyama is going to have to figure some things out, but you were there to support him when he needed it. I’m positive that if in the future the two of you decided to try and work through this, you could. 

It certainly wouldn’t be easy, but you don’t strike me as the kind of person who gives up easily. And I have a feeling that Kageyama wouldn’t either.”

Hinata was quiet for a moment, letting all of her words sink in and wash away some of the guilt. He swallowed, and nodded once. 

“Thanks Sasaki-san,” His voice was quiet, and a little unsteady but the woman huffed in mock indignation. 

“Please Hinata-kun, Annaisha-san would really be just fine, I sound so old,” At her playful, but vexed tone, Hinata let the laughter bubble out of him. 

They spent the rest of the session talking of the typical things; the nightmares, the insecurities, strategies for dealing with panic attacks, and just Hinata’s overall frustrations. And as always, when Hinata walked out of her office with a goodbye and a “See you next week!” he felt lighter. The stares seemed to bounce off of him as he hummed and counted the steps out of the building. He leaned against the wall a little ways from the door, wishing that he could remember how late his mother said she would be, when an all-too-familiar voice sucked the light, good feeling out of him and replaced it with heavy stones of dread. 

“Well, if this isn’t a sight for sore eyes.”

Hinata didn’t need to hear the murmured: “Tsukki,” from an exasperated Yamaguchi, to recognize the cool, calculated voice of Tsukishima. 

His face burned, and he had the sudden urge to sprint back into the therapist’s office, down the hall and take refuge under the same couch he had just sat in. Why had he not remembered that Tsukishima’s mother worked at a small restaurant right across from the street? Why was he so dim-witted that he had forgotten that the bakery that made Tsukishima’s favorite strawberry shortcake, and lemon bars Yamaguchi was fond of, was right next to his therapist's office? Or that of course they would be around, it was a Saturday, there was no school today. 

Hinata grasped for something to say, but the feelings of shame and embarrassment washed over him and turned his tongue into lead. He just knew he looked awful, the burns must look grotesque, and he probably wasn’t even facing the right direction. Besides, what could he even say to former teammates, boys he hadn’t spoken to since that fateful night. With a cold feeling of dread, Hinata remembered the words Kageyama had thrown at him. 

_“Go ahead and tell Yamaguchi just how attractive you find him.”_

He cleared his throat and went to say something, maybe just comment on the weather (as stupid as that made him feel), before he felt a hand on his shoulder. He instantly knew it was Yamaguchi; he had never seen Tsukishima touch anyone. 

“Hi Hinata,” Yamaguchi whispered, and he sounded so pained, so sad yet so happy to see him. Hinata gave him a nod, and cleared his throat once more. 

“Hi Yamaguchi, Tsukki,” He said, and he was pleasantly surprised to find his voice steady. But of course, Tsukishima had never been one to let Hinata have any shred of confidence, and the boy immediately gave a ‘tch.’ Hinata immediately felt any pleasant feelings go to drain from his body, and did running up Sasaki’s office sound _so_ inviting, when Tsukishima spoke. 

“Don’t call me that,” Was all he said, but it was enough for Hinata to relax again. 

A beat of awkward silence later and Hinata took back that thought, especially as Tsukishima shifted his feet slightly apart, and Hinata would’ve bet his left arm that Tsukishima now had a hand on his hip, a usual pose he took when he wanted to observe something. 

“So you’re blind.” Hinata flinched at the bluntness in his voice, and Yamaguchi was close enough that Hinata felt him wince. Hinata wordlessly nodded his response, his heart thundering in his chest. Where was his mother? Why’d she have to pick today of all days to be late?

“Wow… we’re sorry to hear that,” Yamaguchi said, and Hinata listened as he walked back to stand next to Tsukishima. “Did it-I mean, does it still hurt?” From anyone else, the question might’ve been seen as rude, but this was Yamaguchi. His eyes were probably wide with concern, his head tilted slightly to the left as his black hair fell in his face. 

“Sometimes,” Hinata replied, touching the scars gently with his fingertips. “But not as much as it used to.” He offered a thin smile, and it occurred to him that he should probably ask about the rest of the team, how the season was going. Nasty, self-centered parts of him whispered not to, that it technically wasn’t his business. 

“That’s good,” Yamaguchi supplied quickly, his voice taking on the cheery quality that Hinata was so used to. “We really do miss you, it just hasn’t-”

“I’m sorry, that’s my mother driving up,” Hinata interrupted, pushing past the growing lump that was taking root in his throat. And indeed, Hinata could recognize the rumbling of the tiny car as it pumped it’s way next to the building. “It was, um, nice talking to you.”

Hinata disregarded Tsukishima’s astonished “You could tell?”, and turned and walked towards the direction of the sound, his head so far down his chin was resting on his chest. His mother greeted him when he got closer, and he ignored her questions about the two of them. His hand was resting on the door of the car when he heard Yamaguchi shout his name. 

He automatically turned his head and suddenly Yamaguchi seemed much closer to him, almost as though he had run. 

“Just-just don’t be a stranger.” There was a shift of fabric as Yamaguchi gave a polite bow to his mother, and with a pang in his heart, Hinata recognized the team jacket as the boy walked away, his footsteps echoing off the walls of the building. 

* * *

“That was the strangest experience of my life.” 

Yamaguchi looked up in surprise at Tsukishima, whose gaze was fixated straight ahead. Perhaps to anyone else, Tsukishima would’ve looked stoic and unconcerned, but Yamaguchi knew how to read him, and the slight narrowing in his eyes showed his surprise and was that-

“Tsukki, are you concerned?” Yamaguchi made sure to put a teasing tone behind his words, giggling a little as his boyfriend scoffed in response. 

“No, I could honestly care less.”

“Mhm, sorry Tsukki.”

They walked in silence, and Yamaguchi slid his hand into Tsukishima’s, smiling a little at the way the taller boy naturally threaded their fingers together. Tsukishima may not have been the best at showing affection, but holding hands was something Yamaguchi had quietly gotten him to admit to loving. 

“It was strange,” Yamaguchi whispered finally, thoughts finally catching up. “He looks… he just looks like a completely different person.” It wasn’t just the burns that scarred across his face, nor the vacant, white look in Hinata’s eyes. It was the posture of the short boy, the way he curled his shoulders inward and let his hair hang in front of his face. It was the quiet way he spoke, and the way he seemed to choose his words carefully. The Hinata Shouyou he had remembered was loud, uncaring of his appearance, and bounced all around. 

“I know,” Tsukishima replied. “Normally, he would’ve bounced around me like a little pest that won’t go away.” Yamaguchi couldn’t help the small laugh, even though his heart gave a small clench at what had been. 

He remembered the words Kageyama had shouted at Hinata as they fought in the gym. They had taken a moment before really sinking in, and at the time, he had been mortified that he was brought up. After thinking of it, he was flattered in a strange way, but was disappointed that Kageyama used that piece of information to try and hurt Hinata with. 

He had discussed it a great deal with Tsukishima, especially in the week after the accident. Yamaguchi had gotten rather passionate about the topic, it had just rubbed him the wrong way that Kageyama had outed Hinata like that as a way to try to gain leverage. It had eventually led to an agreement between the Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, that no matter how angry you were with someone, it was never okay to out them in such a way. 

It had even led to Yamaguchi telling Tsukishima about his own sexuality, letting it slip during one of his passionate rants that “as a bisexual boy myself, if anyone did that me I would just be so mad Tsukki”. Tsukishima had nodded his agreement, looking thoughtful; he kept glancing at Yamaguchi as he continued the rant, and when Yamaguchi’s mind caught up with his mouth and the boy turned a bright red, Tsukishima had laughed. 

It wasn’t a mocking laugh at all, in fact, it was rather pure with delight. Several more conversations took place between the two of them throughout the month, and now here they were, Yamaguchi swinging their intertwined hands back and forth through the air. 

“I might just have to pay the King a visit some time,” Tsukishima said, and those couple of words had Yamaguchi tightening his grip just a bit. “It doesn’t seem fair that the tangerine back there is the only one affected by that mess.” 

Yamaguchi silently agreed, but thought of Kageyama’s reaction when Hinata had run from the gym. The desperation that poured off of their setter, the way he had thrashed from Daichi’s grip, the way their captain had begun to sweat as he tried to hold Kageyama back. None of them had seen Kageyama either, and although it was common knowledge Sugawara had managed to get into his hospital room, the third year had kept quiet about everything, only talking in hushed voices with Daichi. 

Yamaguchi sighed. Why was everything so complicated?

“Maybe, Tsukki. But just let me be there too, I have some things I want to say as well.” 

Tsukishima huffed a laugh. 

“Oh, I know you do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello thank you for being here, thank you for reading! Hoped you enjoyed this chapter, I know there wasn't a whole lot of action but I wanted to give a insight into Hinata's perspective. And of course, you have awkward conversation with Yams and Tsukki, with a little view from Yamaguchi's POV with a small sprinkle of Tsukiyama for your mental well-being :))
> 
> Anyways, just a quick statement: outing someone without their permission is NEVER okay or acceptable. someone's sexuality should never be a huge deal in the sense it should not change someone's perspective over the person. However it ultimately is something that that person should control when concerning who knows and how they find out. What Kags did was incredibly wrong and believe me, he knows it. 
> 
> Small fun fact, Hinata's therapist's name is Sasaki Annaisha. Sasaki means "help, aid" while Annaisha means "helpful guide to others". Seems rather fitting, and I was lowkey proud of the name for this OC. 
> 
> As always, thank you guys for reading and for the support! Hope you guys are doing well :D


	9. -Quick Author’s Note-

Hey everyone!

Hope I haven’t disappointed you too much with this quick author’s note. 

Wow, it’s been a hot minute, hasn’t it? I apologize so sincerely for that, I got caught up in a lot of personal stuff, my WiFi decided it was going to just head out, and before all of that, I was hit with a major writer’s block. This is the first fanfic I’ve ever had the nerve to post, and I kinda put myself under a pressure to do well. I apologize again for the long wait, but just know I don’t do it because I’ve given up, it’s that I always want to put out my best work. With that being said: 

The next chapter will be up tomorrow, September 9th. 

I want to thank you all for sticking with this story and continuing to give it kudos (100+ kudos?! Are you kidding?! THANK YOU!), wonderful comments, and support. I appreciate you all so much, and it always makes my day every time. 

Thank you again, and see you tomorrow in the next chapter! 

~mochi :)


	10. Cracks and Burns

When the words Kageyama thought he would never hear left his mother’s mouth, all he could do was gape at her in shock. 

They were sitting across from one another; she was perched in the armchair closest to the unused fireplace, and Kageyama sat stiffly in the middle of the couch. His mother kept glancing at him, wringing her hands anxiously. Kageyama stared down at the leather; his breathing becoming more and more rapid as he tried to process this new piece of information. 

She was going to leave him. His father. The man she had been married to for who even knows how long. That she was going to divorce him, and gain full custody over Kageyama. His feeble, passive, and soft mother was going to fight his father in court. 

The fabric beneath him was becoming blurry as his eyes unfocused, and his heart raced. Many different emotions were running through his body, and he wanted to cry and scream in anger, joy, and sadness, not necessarily in that order. 

“Tobio?” His mother asked, her voice low and concerned. “I know this’ll be a big change, but after-” She audibly swallowed, and Kageyama glanced up to see her staring at him with tears in her eyes. “I’m done. And I know you are too. I’ve already found a house, it’s a little farther from Karasuno than this one, and well it’ll probably take some renovation, but I don’t really have the money for anything but-”

“Mom,” Kageyama cut in, finally meeting her eyes. His heart and mind were still racing, but he pushed past it all and said: “That’s fine, I’m fine with that. Just let me know what I need to do.” 

His mother gave a sniff and quickly wiped at her face before giving him a watery smile. He hesitated, but slowly returned it. He supposed he should be asking more questions, like how exactly this was all going to happen, but for now, Kageyama was quite content with not diving straight into how he felt. It seemed better to let himself sink slowly into it, soaking up everything he needed to know at his own pace. 

They sat in silence for a moment, Kageyama’s mind still whirling with all the new information, before she finally shifted around in her chair before standing. She murmured that she was going to wash clothes, before vanishing down the hall, her footsteps echoing through the house that had never seemed so empty to Kageyama before. But perhaps he had never bothered to look, or even feel the emptiness, as something had filled it, and distracted him enough from all the other problems. 

Sighing, Kageyama stood as well, stumbling a little over a small overlaid part of the rug. He made his way up to his room, so achingly aware of the house, and all its minute details. The tiny cracks in the wall beside the front door, cracks that his mother had tried to hide with a picture of trees, as to cover all the nights his father left with a rage, and slammed the door behind him. In the corner by the same door, laid the smallest piles of mulch. Perhaps his mother had not gotten around to cleaning it up, but Kageyama faintly remembered a plant standing tall in that corner. As he stared at it further, he caught a glimpse of light reflected off of a glass shard that laid embedded in it. Slightly nauseated, Kageyama wondered just how many pieces of their broken life lay dismantled around the empty life, and just how many people were going to be brought in to see it. 

* * *

After a night of tossing and turning, it was a rather peaceful Saturday morning. Slants of golden morning lights lay across Kageyama’s wall, and he tracked it lazily with his eyes half-closed. He was warm, and his mind remained partially in it’s dream state, and he was blissfully unaware of everything that had happened. If he concentrated hard enough, he even felt like he was waking for his daily jog, his muscles pleasantly sore and ready to be stretched out and used. Rolling over, Kageyama began mapping out his route, thinking of the hills he would really have to pump his arms to get up-

“Oh my god, Tobio, we are going to be so late, get up, get up, get up!” 

Reality really could be such a harsh slap to the face. 

Kageyama groaned and buried his face into his pillow as his mother threw the blinds all the way open, and stomped through his room. Only a couple moments later, the blankets that were keeping him warm were thrown off, and as soon as the cool air hit, Kageyama found himself pushing up on his mattress, to glare at his mother. 

Or try to, as he had to blink quite a few times to clear his eyes and focus. 

“What-what is happening?” He asked, as she stood over him, one hand clutching his blanket, the other resting on her hip as she gazed down at him, before turning and grabbing at a shirt on the floor. 

She chucked it at him, and surprised, Kageyama flinched a little before letting it bounce off of his chest. He glanced up to make sure she didn’t see, and caught her back as she left, yelling back to him as she made her way back downstairs. 

“You have your first PT appointment! I completely forgot, and it starts in twenty minutes! We have to go, put some clothes on, I’ll be waiting in the car!” Kageyama let his head fall right back down into his pillow and let out a stream of inaudible curses. He debated briefly if he should simply let himself fall back asleep, before remembering who was spending their well-earned paychecks on what had to be very costly therapy. 

Kageyama groaned, and pushed himself up once more, and the resulting quiver in his shoulder muscles made him wince in pain. He ignored it, as he always had since he had noticed it happening. Like everything else that revolved around volleyball, the thought of the hard-earned muscles growing soft was a little hard for Kageyama to bear. 

Kageyama pulled on the shirt his mother threw at him, and a pair of sweatpants before heading down the stairs before he could work up his nerve and try to think his way out of this. School may never have been his strong suit, but he could think his way out of something if he really needed to. 

The car ride to the appointment was silent, and while Kageyama felt his mother glance at him more than once, he focused only on the road. 

While it certainly didn’t bother him as much as being next to a road, driving still made his palm sweat and his heart pound a little harder. After attempting to talk himself out of it, he gave up, and let his head hang down and his eyes gaze unfocused at the floorboard. 

They pulled into the parking lot at exactly five minutes after the slotted time of the appointment, and Kageyama’s mother made it expressly clear how she felt about that, as she muttered a curse and jumped out of the car before Kageyama had even unbuckled his seatbelt. 

Sighing, Kageyama had to jog a little to catch up with her, as she walked briskly across the parking lot. 

“You’re definitely more excited about this than I am,” he told her as they walked together. She cut him a side-eye in response, and pressed her lips together. They were nearly to the door, and Kageyama had just wiped his hand on the thigh of his pants for the second time when she said quietly:

“I just want you to get better again.” 

He never had a chance to respond, as she pushed the doors of the building open, and Kageyama found himself in a small, but cozy waiting room. He glanced quickly at the plush armchairs, the long leather couch that looked soft, before turning his head back down the ground. The floors were hardwood, and as his mother hurried to speak to the receptionist who peered at them curiously, Kageyama stared at black stains that marked them up. Swallowing he looked up once more, and this time, forced himself not to turn away. 

There were people in slings and casts, people who appeared as though nothing was wrong but perched delicately in the armchairs, people who rolled their shoulders and the resulting pop and crack sounded through the room. A door opened, and the sound of laughter floated through. Kageyama looked at the woman who held a clipboard and was laughing as she said something else. Letting his gaze drift down, he saw a woman in a wheelchair grin up to her, before they parted ways, and the woman rolled over to where Kageyama was standing in front of the door. 

Her eyes were rather bright, and despite the thin legs and belt that held her securely in place to the wheelchair, she looked _happy_. She beamed at Kageyama, who in a moment of shock didn’t think of the door she would have to open. Before he could move, she was pushing the button, and the door was opening to let her out. 

Kageyama stared after her as she rolled away, seemingly by herself. How had she not flinched away at hideous scars that were visible at the top of his shirt? How did she not stare at what was so obviously missing? Was she just accustomed to it? 

Confused, Kageyama didn’t hear his mother say his name, until she tugged on his shirt sleeve. He didn’t bother to process what she was saying, still focused on the woman in the wheelchair, who had smiled and shone with joy. 

Would he look bright like that if he was happy? It wasn’t as though this was the first time he had seemed someone so happy that they shined; Hinata practically glowed from the inside out, an infectious flicker that was quick to dispel on all that talked or spent the smallest of moments with him. But the woman in the wheelchair… Kageyama may be slow when it came to school, but he knew that from the ways the legs seemed to be fading away, there was no chance of her walking anytime soon. 

So how? How was she still jovial and carefree? She could possibly never walk again, and she found happiness in that? Kageyama’s mind whirled, and his hand seemed to clench on it’s own. 

It wasn’t until his mother gave him a little push towards the door that Kageyama looked up and realized the assistant who had just seen the woman in the wheelchair off was looking at him with expecting eyes. Kageyama’s legs walked towards her on their own, and he glanced uneasily at everywhere but her. 

“Kageyama Tobio?” She asked, her voice warm as she smiled up at him. He gave a wordless nod, and she gestured for him to follow her. Kageyama glanced back at his mother once, who was watching him with wide eyes and a grave expression. Only feeling worse, Kageyama turned away and let himself be led down the hall, which opened into a larger room with desks (many of which were filled with the other assistants), before narrowing again. He was on the last door at the end of the hall. 

The assistant opened it for him, and not knowing what else he was supposed to do, Kageyama stepped in. 

He was facing a wall of windows that were open to the street below and the sunlight that poured in. The room extended on either side of him, and to his right he caught glances of foam rollers, a table that was cushioned, and many other strange contraptions he had never seen before. He turned to his left, and saw two male figures at the farthest end of the room. 

Their backs were to him, as they hunched over a table together, but as Kageyama studied the figure to the right, there was something almost familiar in the confident stance, as though he had seen him before… 

He didn’t think about it for long, as the man to the left stretched up to his full height with a groan. Turning, he saw Kageyama, and let out a little noise of surprise. He rushed over to him, and Kageyama took a moment to take him in. 

He was very pleasantly easy to look at. His black hair that was cut close to his scalp, and his face was one that had the lines of a man that smiled more than he scowled. Kageyama focused on the badge that was attached to his simple button down, and while he couldn’t make out the name, the words ‘physical therapist’ jumped out at him in bold letters. As he continued to take in the man’s overwhelmingly friendly vibe, something in the back of his mind began nagging that he looked strangely familiar. 

The physical therapist gave him a warm smile, and held his hand out to him. There was no hesitation, no staring, and try as he may, Kageyama could not find any judgement in the man’s eyes. 

“Ah, Kageyama Tobio! It is nice to meet you! I apologize for being a bit behind, I was just tidying up a bit on my last patient’s recovery plan with my son,” He gestured behind him toward the other male figure, who stiffened, and stood up straighter. Pieces began clicking in place in Kageyama’s mind, and time seemed to slow as the figure began turning and the physical therapist continued talking. 

“You may know him, I saw on your file you attend Karasuno High School, just like he does! But, ah, let me introduce myself first. My name is Sawamura Katashi, this is my son, Sawamura Daichi.” 

Gritting his teeth, Kageyama faced Daichi, who stood stoically as he gazed at him with an unreadable expression. He was aware of the monotone statement that seemed to flow right out of his mouth in a reply but his heart was pounding as he stared at his captain, and his thoughts seemed to zero in. While Katashi continued to talk, all Kageyama could feel were the thick arms that held him back, all he could see was Hinata’s back as he ran out and away, and all he could hear was Sugawara’s voice in his ear as he thrashed and pulled at Daichi, who hadn’t let go. 

_If you had let go sooner_ , Kageyama thought resentfully as his face pulled down into a glare, _I may not be here right now. I could’ve caught up to him, and we would’ve been fine._ Daichi didn’t respond in any way, just continued staring impassively at Kageyama. 

“-so, if that’s okay with you, follow me over to this table here, so we can get started on the evaluation.” Kageyama snapped out of his bitter thoughts, and gave a nod to the Katashi, and walked over with him, overly aware of Daichi’s soft footsteps behind him. 

He sat down on the table, albeit a bit confused on what was going to happen. Katashi started rummaging through a cabinet, and after pulling out a notepad, he handed it to Daichi, who sat in a nearby chair, pulled a pen out of his pocket, jotted something down, and looked up unexpectedly at Kageyama. Kageyama glanced away at Katashi, who was also gazing at him. 

“I’m sorry, what’d you say?” He asked, hoping his embarrassment wasn’t conveyed all over his face. His therapist gave him yet another warm smile. 

“Don’t worry about it! I zone out all the time! Anyways, can you take your shirt off for me? I want to examine how the burns are healing, and locate where you are feeling any pain from soft tissues or something else we need to take a look. Since you are also starting the rehabilitation process later than normal, it would be beneficial to start some exercises and maybe a massage to help with any muscle.” 

His embarrassment surely would be conveyed now, as his face burned and he couldn’t help but glance at Daichi, who was studying the blank paper as though it was the most interesting thing he had ever seen. 

He thought about refusing the physical therapist, yet his mother’s tight face and anxious eyes stopped him.

Sighing a little, Kageyama sat up from where he was letting his right arm support him. In a careful motion he had spent weeks trying to perfect, he pulled at the collar of the t-shirt out and up over the rest of his body. He winced at little as the bones in his forearm cracked, and the fabric of the shirt glided over the sensitive areas of the burns. 

He didn’t bother looking down at his own body, he had seen plenty of the scars and skin grafts. Instead he watched Katashi as the man took it in with a rather studious approach. He began nodding, and reached out, hesitated and looked at Kageyama for permission. Kageyama nodded, and even though he felt udderly exposed, let Katashi gently touch his left shoulder. 

It was a little uncomfortable, as Katashi was practically a stranger, but Kageyama spent the time watching Daichi take notes as his father asked Kageyama a series of short questions. 

Does this hurt? How does this feel? Does it hurt when I do this? How about now? Have you experienced any pain from this area? How about this area? 

Kageyama was able to answer all the questions with a simple yes or no, and didn’t feel anything out of the ordinary until Katashi moved to his right shoulder, and squeezed. 

The pain was instant and intense. Kageyama hissed through his teeth, and Katashi backed off and looked at him in concern. 

“Everything okay?” He asked, Kageyama who had begun rotating his right shoulder and frowning at it. 

“Yeah,” Kageyama said, stopping and letting his right hand rest on his thigh. “It just caught me by surprise, that’s all.” That was partially true. Kageyama just didn’t want to mention how he had felt something in his shoulder twist and ache when he went to push himself off the ground. 

Katashi raised his eyebrows, and Kageyama knew the physical therapist saw right through the bullshit. 

“Has it been bothering you?” Katashi asked, and Kageyama sighed before responding, and telling him what happened. Katashi nodded throughout, his eyes on the floor as he held his chin in deep thought. When Kageyama was finished, he looked back up, and gave Kageyama a smile that seemed a little forced. 

“Yeah, that sounds like it’s been overworked, and we may be looking at possible shoulder tendinitis,” Katashi then launched into a list of things Kageyama needed to start doing, and as soon as he finished, stepped back, and began observing Kageyama once more. 

“Dad,” Kageyama jumped at the sound of Daichi’s voice as it seemed to echo through the room. “Do you want me to go ahead and print Kageyama a list of exercises he needs to start doing?” 

“Yes, that would be perfect Daichi, thank you,” Daichi rose with a practiced ease and Kageyama watched his back as he left the room. “Kageyama, you can meet him outside once we are done, there are just a few more things I want to discuss with you, then I think we can call it for today.”

Kageyama blinked in surprise, and it must’ve showed, as Katashi huffed a little laugh. 

“Sorry Sawamura-san,” Kageyama said, not wanting to be misunderstood. “I just thought this would take longer.” 

“Oh you’re fine Kageyama, stop apologizing! The first session is always short, as it’s just a set up for the rest of your time with me. I’ll use what I’ve gathered today to outline your rehabilitation plan, so we can start working next week.” 

Kageyama nodded, and it was silent for a moment as Katashi shuffled around and grabbed a sticky note off the pile that was on top of the cabinets. Pressing it against the cabinet door, he clicked a pen on and scribbled something done. Turning around, he handed it to Kageyama, who took it, and looked at it with skepticism. 

It was a phone number, with the name ‘Sasaki’ scribbled underneath it. Unsure of how to voice his confusion he just looked up at Katashi, who was leaning against the cabinet watching him. 

“When I received your file from the hospital, it was highly requested that I recommend you to see a talk-therapist for your mental health.” 

Kageyama couldn’t help it; he rolled his eyes and let out a huff of irritation. Katashi continued talking over him, either oblivious or uncaring of Kageyama’s exasperation. 

“Sasaki-san is the best you’ll find. I recommend her to you, as most of my patients who are dealing with a new disability that resulted from traumatic experience also see her as well. Think of us as having a sort of partnership.” 

“I don’t want to see her,” Kageyama said, gritting his teeth as he tried to glare holes into the table. 

“Don’t take offense to this Kageyama-kun, but I’ve known you for only about forty minutes and I can tell you need this. For your own mental health and stability.” His voice was calm, but Kageyama could sense the rising impatience in Katashi almost as easily as he could in Daichi. 

“Like I said, I don’t want or need to see her for this-this _disability_.” Kageyama had to practically spit the word out, and Katashi cocked an eyebrow. 

“There are some injuries that cannot be healed alone. Physical injuries to the body and mental trauma often go hand in hand. I can already see where you are showing signs of being quite anxious, and I’m not sure if it was because my son was in here, or if something else is going on, but Sasaki-san would be the best person to help you relieve all of that.” 

Kageyama clenched his hand into a tight fist around the sticky note, but nodded all the same. Katashi gave him a sad smile, and walked over to the door. Kageyama saw his cue, and hopped off the table and walked right out the door that Katashi held open. 

“I’ll see you next week! Same time!” Kageyama turned to respond, but Katashi had already shut the door. Turning to walk out the same way he came in, Kageyama ran right into the person he had been hoping to avoid. 

Daichi gripped the papers in his hand, and the two stared at one another. Surprising even himself, Kageyama broke the silence first. 

“I-I didn’t know you worked here with your father,” He mumbled, breaking eye contact and looking at the ground. The bitter and resentful part of him was grumbling in fury about how this was Daichi’s fault, all his fault he couldn’t play, and that Hinata was hurt, and-

“It’s kinda temporary. I need community service hours and I need to intern somewhere for this project I’m doing, so it was kinda a win-win.” Daichi’s voice rumbled out of him, as deep and calm as Kageyama remembered. 

“That’s good,” Kageyama said, and finally brought his eyes back to Daichi’s. Daichi had always been slightly harder to read, but now it would be like trying to read blank pages. They stood in silence for a moment, before Daichi reached out the papers, smiled, and said;

“It’s nice to see you, Kageyama-kun.”

Kageyama stared at the papers for a moment, they were covered in outlines of people stretching with little text boxes next to them with directions. He hesitantly took them, and felt the corner’s of his mouth twitch up in a ghost of a smile. 

“You too, Daichi.” 

* * *

“What an odd boy.” 

Daichi slipped into his father’s office, a small room off the back of the room they just evaluated Kageyama in. His father sat behind his big wooden desk, and was clicking open his desktop computer; no doubt beginning the work on Kageyama’s plan. 

“Kageyama has always been odd, but that’s just him. He’s a good guy, he just has to warm up to you first,” Daichi said, sitting in front of his father as he brought out the notepad he had used to take notes on. He was grateful that had been the task his father assigned to him; he used it as a cover so that he could avoid looking at the Kageyama. 

Kageyama and Daichi had never been close, but he knew Sugawara was fond of him and that was enough for Daichi. Listening to Sugawara sob on the phone about how he had been terrified for Kageyama’s life, the ways Hinata had been affected, and how terrible Sugawara felt about it all had been plenty for Daichi to approach his father about a made-up project a week before Kageyama’s appointment was scheduled. He felt bad about lying to his father about his interest in physical therapy, but it was worth it to help ease Sugawara’s conscience, and admittedly, his own as well. 

So if he could do this small part, and help Kageyama any way he could, then he would. 

Sighing, Daichi looked at his father who was reading through the notes he had taken with a frown on his face. 

“This is gonna be hard,” his father muttered as he set down the notepad, and began typing on his computer. “Not only are we looking at third degree burns across the chest, he’s also developed shoulder tendinitis, has soft tissues all in his left shoulder and bicep, is an amputee, and on top of all of that, the poor kid definitely has some mental health issues.” 

“I’m sure he’ll get through it, Dad,” Daichi said, a little unnerved that his father sounded so hopeless. “Kageyama is an extremely hard worker, and is very adaptable. With help, I’m sure he’ll get through it.” 

His father squinted at him above the reading glasses he had just put on. 

“I thought you said you didn’t know him very well?”

Daichi forced a small smile on his face, hoping to hide some of his guilt. 

“Ah, well, he just gives me that impression.” His father nodded, already starting to refocus on building the plan. 

“Well, I’m not so sure the kid wants any help.” His father said quietly. Daichi didn’t respond, but instead pulled out his phone and opened his message app to a notification from Sugawara. 

Smiling a little, Daichi rose, and slipped his phone back in his pocket. 

“I’ll see you later, I’m going to go meet up with Suga.” His father nodded, and started typing away at his keyboard. 

As Daichi walked out of the office, he thought of Sugawara’s message, and the plan the two of them had ultimately began to devise. Perhaps it was wrong for them to meddle in the lives of their teammates, but when you have a pair as unique as Hinata and Kageyama… well you can’t just do nothing. Especially when the two of them managed to affect the lives of everyone around, and generally always for the better. They brought out the best in each other... and to see them struggling was hard for Daichi and Sugawara to bear.

 _Don’t worry Dad_ , Daichi thought as he crossed the parking lot and slipped into his car. _Kageyama will want it… he just has to have something to want it for._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO WE'RE BACK! 
> 
> Gosh I've missed these boys. 
> 
> Hi, welcome back, I'm so glad you are here. Thank you thank you thank you thank you I can literally never say thank you enough. So yes, I was on a hiatus (for the reasons you can check out the Authors Note before this; I'm probably gonna delete that soon because it's messing the number of chapters up) but just know that I'm back now and I'm going to do my best to follow a good posting schedule. 
> 
> Hope you all like my OC, Katashi. Daichi's father has never been discussed, so I thought, why not? (Jk there's more reasons for it, but you'll have to wait a little longer for that ;) sorry not sorry)
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos and wondering, amazing, and very supportive comments. One of the things that always surprises me is how kind and supportive the AO3 community is and I love it. 
> 
> Thank you again, and I hope to see you next week:)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


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